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How to translate the total BS of Hollywood



Tcalarter After eight days, dozens of chicken dinners and countless conversations with airheaded celebrities, I'm winging my way east as the TV critics summer press tour winds to an end.

I'm actually stopping in Chicago for a week to check out the UNITY convention uniting journalism organizations representing black, Hispanic, Asian American and Native American people. But before I step on the plane, I can't help reflecting on the worst element of this particular cavalcade of star interviews, press conferences and hip-ified parties.

The total BS that comes out of everyone's mouth. Constantly.

Few people say what they really mean at a press conference for 200 journalists blogging in real time -- thank you Drew Carey and Dick Smothers! -- so you often have to decode what people are really saying out here.

Here's a little guide to dissecting all those innocuous quotes in press tour stories on my blog and elsewhere.

Actor says: "What drew me to this project was the script."

Actor means: "What drew me to this project was the paycheck. And the fact that I only have to work about three days a week."

Actor says: "This is just the happiest set I've ever worked on. We all really love each other."

Actor means: "We just started working together, so we're on our best behavior. Just wait until we win a couple of Emmys and I start up my crystal meth habit."

Producer says: "(He/She) walked in, and we knew right way this was the person for the role."

Producer means: "All the other really good actors emigrating from England were taken."Tcahayden

Producer says: "We just cast the best people for the role, and wound up with an all-white cast."

Producer means: "We just cast the best people we thought other white people might want to watch. And the just happened to be white!"

Network executive says: We love (insert name of troubled performer here), and can't wait to work with them again.

Network executive means: "It will be a cold day in the hell that is my existence when I ever return this egomaniac's telephone calls. Unless, of course, they land another hit movie."

Network executive says: "We love you critics; we wouldn't have successful shows without you."

Network executive means: "Our technology division is working out a Microsoft program which will write out a review 30 second after the episode airs. I'm betting you have about six months left in your job."

[Last modified: Wednesday, July 21, 2010 2:49pm]


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