How to translate the total BS of Hollywood
I'm actually stopping in Chicago for a week to check out the UNITY convention uniting journalism organizations representing black, Hispanic, Asian American and Native American people. But before I step on the plane, I can't help reflecting on the worst element of this particular cavalcade of star interviews, press conferences and hip-ified parties.
The total BS that comes out of everyone's mouth. Constantly.
Few people say what they really mean at a press conference for 200 journalists blogging in real time -- thank you Drew Carey and Dick Smothers! -- so you often have to decode what people are really saying out here.
Here's a little guide to dissecting all those innocuous quotes in press tour stories on my blog and elsewhere.
Actor says: "What drew me to this project was the script."
Actor means: "What drew me to this project was the paycheck. And the fact that I only have to work about three days a week."
Actor says: "This is just the happiest set I've ever worked on. We all really love each other."
Actor means: "We just started working together, so we're on our best behavior. Just wait until we win a couple of Emmys and I start up my crystal meth habit."
Producer says: "(He/She) walked in, and we knew right way this was the person for the role."
Producer says: "We just cast the best people for the role, and wound up with an all-white cast."
Producer means: "We just cast the best people we thought other white people might want to watch. And the just happened to be white!"
Network executive says: We love (insert name of troubled performer here), and can't wait to work with them again.
Network executive means: "It will be a cold day in the hell that is my existence when I ever return this egomaniac's telephone calls. Unless, of course, they land another hit movie."
Network executive says: "We love you critics; we wouldn't have successful shows without you."
Network executive means: "Our technology division is working out a Microsoft program which will write out a review 30 second after the episode airs. I'm betting you have about six months left in your job."