Love is Dead: Diane Kruger/Joshua Jackson, Lady Gaga/Taylor Kinney edition
I was driving into work listening to Slate's Dear Prudence podcast, one of my faves on steady rotation, and host Mallory Ortberg said something that really stuck with me. She said, in essence, if Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn ever break up, we will all pretty much rise up from our earthly vessels, because that means the kind of adult, mature love that allows two people to live unmarried yet happily is officially Not A Thing. I'm putting words in her mouth. She said, "If they ever split up, I think everyone's gonna lose it." It's true. They've been together since 1983, which is exactly how long I've been alive. It is also how long you have to be with someone to willingly accept the absurd facial hair he grew to be in a Quentin Tarantino movie. I picture her rolling her eyes and issuing a playful embargo on smooches until after the premiere. Oh, Goldie! Oh Kurt!
DO NOT WORRY, because I am not reporting that particular news, not today. But do worry a little, because the way 2016 is going, Kurt and Goldie could very well show up to destroy everything we know to be good and true.
However, we are mired in some similarly disheartening breakup news. To wit:
After 10 years together, Joshua Jackson (Pacey!) and Diane Kruger have reportedly ended things. This was another low-key chill unmarried couple, aspirational and chic. I appreciate how they always showed up together looking polished and affectionate but never sentimentally flaunted their love for our entertainment. OH WELL.
In other tragic relationship news, Lady Gaga and Taylor Kinney have apparently split after five years. They were engaged, but now that love is dead, so are their impending nuptials. This couple was not low key -- remember the time they had relations on an art canvas? -- but I thought they were handsome together and seemed, somehow, super stable. OH WELL.