Whoa, Momma!

Sharon Kennedy Wynne, Tracey Henry and Suzannah DiMarzio

Dear Santa

22

December

Dear Santa,

No, Blitzen didn’t sneak cough syrup into your hot cocoa again -- I am writing my letter to Santa.

But not for the reason every kid does -- no, I know you read my blog so you know I haven’t exactly earned a spot on the good list this year. (Sorry about that crack I made about you looking like Shelley Winters. You absolutely do not, I don’t even know where that came from. Honestly.) No, I’m writing today to give you some advice during this leaner than usual holiday season.

Mom_santa  I’m sure that even the North Pole isn’t exempt from this global economic crisis, and you may have found yourself cutting back this year like the rest of us. I don’t know what kind of overhead you run over there in your elf workshop (get it? Overhead? Elves? I crack myself up...) but you may be cutting back on staff and such and find yourself shopping in more modern circumstances.

Let me just tell you Nick -- can I call you Nick? -- the mall stinks like a reindeer stable in July. Which reminds me, are reindeer considered service animals? Can they even accompany you into Hollister? Let me check on that and get back to you. Anyway, there are lines, crowds and absolutely no parking, so you may want to look into any shuttle services that might be available because you know that sleigh is going to block a fire lane or something.

Once you get into the mall, just keep your head down and hands stuffed into your pockets lest you want the hand lotion people massaging you with cocoa butter. They are going to try to tell you that Pole winters are drying on the skin, blah blah blah, but you have to keep focused or they will up-sell you the moisturizer and toner and you will never get anything done. Trust me. Also, you do not need a Super Shammy no matter how much snow they tell you it can absorb. Keep walking.

Also, it’s best to keep in mind if you see a giant cardboard replica of your house complete with oversized candy canes and spray snow and a line of impatient children waiting for pictures that imitation is the finest form of flattery. (Might want to repeat that mantra as you’re walking past Victoria’s Secret and Spencer’s Gifts, too. Just sayin’.)

On second thought, maybe you’d be better off online shopping. How’s your Internet connection up there? Online shopping is the way to go if you start early enough. I always wait way too long and last year “Cyber Monday” quickly devolved into “Ended in Tears Tuesday” when the only things left in stock were from my spam folder and everyone on my list ended up with Cialis and replica watches. Which probably further explains my being on the naughty list. Again.

Shipping all of that merchandise up there may be a problem -- too bad there wasn’t some sort of magical delivery system that just dropped presents down your chimney or something  … Dang. You’ve pretty much got this covered, don’t you?

Anyway, I hope these tips help you out a little this year. Feel free to thank me by replacing that coal in my stocking with something a little less fuel efficient.

Merry Christmas!

XO -- SD

[Last modified: Thursday, May 13, 2010 11:04am]

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