It’s six o’clock in the morning and my husband and I greet the day together enjoying some of the many new healthy lifestyle changes I’ve recently implemented in our household.

Husband: Um, what are you doing?

Me: Making peanut butter sandwiches for the kids’ lunches, why?

Him: Because you’re stirring something, and the last time I checked stirring wasn’t an action associated with sandwich making.

Me: Well, I’m stirring the peanut butter because it’s natural, and you have to do that with natural peanut butter.

Him: (Pouring himself another cup of coffee.) Don’t you think you’re taking this healthy eating thing a bit far? And why is the sugar brown?

Me: No, and because it’s raw sugar, silly. It’s supposed to be brown. If you prefer, there’s agave syrup to sweeten your coffee instead.

Him: I don’t even want to know what that is. (Rifling through cupboard.) But where’s the maple syrup? Need some for these whole-wheat, gluten-free pancakes you made.

Me: Oh, that’s in the fridge. Mrs. Butterworth and I no longer hang, so I bought a bottle of Canadian pure maple syrup.  Use only what you need though, it’s a little pricey. Considerably less than all of the high-fructose corn trees that died for the other stuff, however.

Him: What? You’re not even making sense. Spending a whole lot of money, but definitely not making sense. What are you doing now?

Me: (Pressing cookie cutters.) Just making the kids’ “Soy-reo’s” for their lunches. The filling is tofu and the outside I made from black sesame seed crisps.

Him: I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Me: Oh, are you feeling nauseous? Drink some of this hot organic ginger-tea, it will help. It’s cage-free.

Him: I’ll pass. Just pass me the milk for my coffee. You made me go to that skim stuff years ago, so I think I’m safe there, right?

Me: Honey, it’s only because I love you that I think you need more plant-based proteins in your diet, so try the new soy milk. (Sighing.) All of this healthy eating is so confusing, there sure is a lot of information to digest.

Him: That’s one thing in this house that can be....

Me: What was that, dear?

Him: I said, you are insane. 

Me: No, I’m taking fish oil supplements for that.

Him: (Leaving kitchen.) I’m going to take a shower.

Me: Okay, but watch out for the sustainable rainbow trout tank in the bathtub...

-- Tracey Henry, Suburban Diva