Mea pulpa: extraction retraction
I lied, and I’m sorry. Sorry that I insulted the dental gods with my idiotic and completely unfounded statement that I could handle the pain of wisdom teeth extraction since I had gone through childbirth.
As I lay here huddled in the fetal position after that heinous procedure, I realize I should issue a retraction -- having your wisdom teeth out has absolutely no resemblance to childbearing. That is painfully clear to me now.
There are no epidurals that they can stick in your nose. Sure, they prescribe you some ample pain medication, but unless you’ve got a staff of caregivers to take care of your other children while you are under the influence, you can’t reasonably take them and still be a functioning, upright parent.
When it’s all over, there are no loving and doting grandparents waiting to take care of the little molar, just an insurance claim to file.
I was hoping that similar to childbirth, maybe I’d see an immediate weight loss since I can’t eat anything solid. But those six milkshakes and chocolate puddings aren’t doing anything for my waistline.
I can’t even complain, because no one can understand me. They have to interpret my wince and my groan as, “Get me another Advil smoothie.”
There is no beautiful new baby smell around the house. No bouquets of flowers or freshly laundered onesies with Ivory Snow. It just smells like saltwater rinses and antibiotics.
And worst of all? My face looks 8 months pregnant from the swelling.
So dentists the world over, please accept my deepest apologies. You are still at the top of the list for hurt. Compared to your sadistic practice, the obstetrician’s capacity for pain is mere child’s play.