A procrastinator's wish list
Although I don’t exactly plan it this way, it seems that I am forever destined to be a last- minute shopper at Christmastime. Instead of complaining, I’ve resigned myself to my fate and now look at the glass of eggnog as half-full.
So I share with you the Top 6 Reasons Procrastinating Shoppers Rule:
1.) Camaraderie. There’s nothing like bonding with other last-minute folks. Everyone is so joyful on Dec. 23, it’s like one big CheerFest at the register at Lowe’s, we even give each other special waves in the parking lot while searching for a spot. Just yesterday as a kindly old man and I reached for the last Shrek Chia Pet on the shelf, he mumbled something about me being similar to his sainted (and apparently promiscuous) mother. The holidays are all about family.
2.) It’s more polite. Gift-giving becomes a kinder, gentler process when you’re dealing with limited selections. I don’t see Uncle Albert as the 4XL guy he is. I like to look at the inner-Albert and get him that reindeer sweater in a boy’s medium.
3.) Creativity. Anyone can fill a gift list from a major retailer. But it takes an industrious soul to buy presents for the whole family at 7-11. (Those WWE Slurpee cups are refillable and collectible, Grandma. You’re welcome.)
4.) Does every holiday tradition have to be taken so literally? I mean who’s to say that figgy pudding isn’t a suspicious-looking Snack Pack at the gas station and that among the various meats in Spam Christmas goose isn’t one of them?
5.) To keep the balance of the universe in check. While the annoyingly prepared are shopping at 3 a.m. on Black Friday for 98 percent off the hottest toys of the season, I’m shopping at 11 p.m. on Christmas Eve paying double for the crap no one wanted. It’s the circle of life or something like that.
6.) It’s more eco-friendly. There is no such thing as a giftbox for your purchase after Dec. 1 since those have long run out. In a pinch I have been known to wrap socks in Frosted Flake boxes and Snuggies in Ziploc bags. It’s my gift to Mother Earth.
And so to my fellow procrastinators: Merry Christmas. To all those who have finished their shopping and are enjoying this week relaxing before a fire? Here’s that special parking lot wave.
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