Security Blanket Breach
DESCRIPTION: The term, “blanket” is used loosely, just like the stitches that used to hold it together. (And it’s not all that “secure” either considering we have somehow lost it.) It resembles more of a spool of old yarn that got caught in the tumbler of a dryer for several months resulting in a knotted core, surrounded by pink fringe that drags along the floor like a Jr. Swiffer.
DISTINGUISHING MARKS: Besides being distinguished as something a Muppet would have thrown up, it smells a little like Tide, Johnson’s baby shampoo and sprinkles.
LAST SEEN: A hotel room in Atlanta, but may have since become invisible (or mistaken for a bag lady’s sewing project) to hotel staff.
WARNING: Since the “blanket” has never been farther than three inches from the owner’s body a handful of times for midnight laundry loads, it is difficult to determine just what is wrapped inside the yarn tangle. Stuffed animals? Toys? Goldfish? Hoffa’s remains? Please approach at your own risk.
IF FOUND: Please do not attempt capture alone -- contact your local Haz Mat Team for assistance.
I will offer a reward as soon as I calculate one little girl’s misery, 10 sleepless nights, 14 long distance panicked phone calls, 8 rejected replacements and considerable maternal guilt.
Early estimates make all other bailouts look like mere pocket change.
[Photo: Linus and his security blanket courtesy of United Feature Syndicate]