When Mother's Day isn't happy
You’d think that after 10 years and four children, I’d take Mother’s Day off.
But I can’t.
I haven’t been able to take ownership of Mother’s Day since my own mother passed away. This year marks the 10th anniversary of her death, and this year, instead of just being sad, I am surprisingly confused.
I’m bewildered because so much has happened in 10 years and so little has actually changed. While both her daughters have moved, changed jobs, experienced life’s joys and tragedies and she now has six grandchildren; it’s as though emotionally I’ve never left that cold dark day when we lost her. I still can’t help but miss her terribly. It's a childlike kind of grief that doesn’t mature with reason or time. I would have thought that the 10-year mark would earn me a plaque or at least a better grasp of my sorrow.
Losing my Mom has changed my motherhood experience, so naturally it has changed my perception of Mother’s Day. I think for those of us who have lost their own mothers, Mother’s Day isn’t a day off -- it’s just a day on for our second job: mourning.
I’ve moonlighted at this particular career for a decade now; lying awake listing the should, could, and would of’s and wrestling with the nightmares. But Mother’s Day is a grueling double shift with a cranky boss and no overtime pay.
Nonetheless, I punch the clock for the one fringe benefit. Those puddles of light that spill from my own kids’ homemade cards and inedible breakfasts. I love to see their pride in their gifts of clay flower pots and refrigerator art. Their little faces beaming with such unmitigated joy is the greatest gift any mother could ask for.
But these are the exact moments that I want to share with my Mom. I still long to have her read those cards over my shoulder or feign delicious French toast. It is within these moments of aching duality that I find most frustrating as a parent--wanting to be the best mother I can be, and wanting the best mother back to show me how.
They say that motherhood is the toughest job in the world. I would add that those of us who’ve lost our own mothers work very hard to get through our one day off.