So the Forever Fiancee is convinced American Idol's David Archuleta looks like a character from The Dark Crystal. She's extremely proud of this, so I'm indulging her. As long as she mocks the little gwat, I'm cool with it. Tuesday night's Idol -- the battle of the top 3 -- was so stacked in favor of a David-vs.-David final, it was slimy, with the judges spouting scripted anti-Syesha sentiment. My fellow Americans, go against the corporate morons and VOTE FOR SYESHA. She was the most entertaining person on the show, and you know it.

DAVID ARCHULETA (songs performed: And So It Goes, With You, Longer) This kid's 1,000-yard stare is just plain creepy. Am I the only one not bamboozled? The lights aren't on with this dope. And yet, like some sort of Muppet Rain Man, he can mimic deeper material with a strange resonance. Frankly, I find the whole thing eerie. Billy Joel wrote And So It Goes as a middle-aged man with severe emotional issues. Archuleta had no idea what the song meant, and yet an unexplainable synaptic misfiring allowed him to fool millions. Soylent green is people!

SYESHA MERCADO (If I Ain't Got You, Fever, Hit Me Up) Watching Syesha tonight, I totally wanted to pull a Bodyguard, scoop up the Sarasota native and carry her away from all this mayhem -- or at least carry her to a mountain hideaway, where I'd foil the plot of a cold-blooded killer then jump into a lake and heroically save a kid. But I digress: I think she could pull an upset. I really do. The Alicia Keys song was fine. But Fever was hot, and Paula is an idiot. (Since when did Abdul get so mean? Did someone hide the Xanax?) Plus Simon's kiss-of-death proclamation aren't as lethal as they used to be. Hop into my arms, baby. VOTE FOR SYESHA!!!

DAVID COOK (The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face, Dare You to Move, I Don't Want to Miss a Thing) On national television, with tons of people watching, David Cook has perfected the art of acting nonchalant about being on national television, with tons of people watching. He's a cool dude, and the ladies love him. (Did you see the "Cougars 4 Cook" sign? Damn. I'd love to see a "Divorcees 4 Daly" sign. Hint, hint.) But the truth is, Cook has been pretty bad for awhile now. The first song was kinda wussy, and the last two were weak and blah, especially the Aerosmith mess, which was catastrophic. But the judges "loved" it anyway. Of course they did. Yuck.