I'm a big fan of the Lemonhead. Well, for the first 30 seconds at least. Once that sour shell has been devoured, this hard candy gets depressing quick. So I immediately pop another in my craw. Then another. After about 20 minutes of this, I've lost the ability to taste anything, as the Lemonhead has destroyed my mouth. Good times.

For this reason and more, Lemonheads will be one of the featured confections handed out at the Daly manse this Halloween. Also in the cavernous trough of joy: Take 5s, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Peanut M&Ms and 100 Grands, which are delicious and almost impossible to chew without gagging.

WHAT ARE YOU HANDING OUT FOR HALLOWEEN?

Last year I gave one of my neighbors guff for distributing Play-Doh instead of treats. I haven't seen this neighbor since, as they were forced to move due to threats and vitriol and a barrage of poorly molded "doh" animals being hurled at their house. Listen, folks, you're not making a difference by giving out healthy crap on Halloween. In fact, the only thing you're doing is making sure your own children get persecuted at recess for being dorks. This persecution will lead to a variety of social misfitism, which will lead to crime sprees and self-hate and night "classes" at Baby Dolls. So help your kids go to Harvard and give out Lemonheads for Halloween. It's the right thing to do.