It's now just days away, the gaping maw of American Idol Season 8. I approach Tuesday's two-hour premier with one part nausea, two parts huzzah. In anticipation of the most-watched television show in the solar system, we currently have a fleet of SPT writers hammering out analysis, zingers, breakdowns, predictions and suicide notes. My job is to give you the Best, Worst and Weirdest of the FOX phenom up 'til now. Soon, you'll get the 5 Best American Idol Top 12ers.

But today, the 5 Worst Top 12ers...

(And no, Sanjaya is not on here. Why? Because his oft-morphing locks were the only reason to stay tuned to Season 6. What, I'm gonna stick around for Chris Sligh?)

5. Justin Guarini: I was originally going to put this Season 1 drip at the top (or bottom, as it were) of this list. But I'm a huge Simpsons fan, and it's hard to totally dislike anyone with Sideshow Bob's hair. The snark for this guy doesn't stop there, however. Steve Spears, an upcoming Pop Life Idol Chat contributor, says Justin Guarini is the "worst...name...ever." Janet K. Keeler, another upcoming Pop Life Idol Chat contributor, says don't forget such other Season 1 beauts as Ejay Day and Jim Verraros.

4. Constantine Maroulis: This Season 4 sourpuss just looked like a bully. That's a horrible thing to say. But I'm pretty sure he called me fat in 3rd grade. Not too long ago he was working a bingo game at some casino. Okay, it was a celebrity bingo game, but still, not exactly rocking Carnegie Hall. Because I'm petty, I couldn't be happier. Paybacks are a [bleep], Maroulis!

3. Taylor Hicks: My friend (and yet another upcoming Pop Life Idol Chat blogger!) Stephanie Hayes tells me the herky-jerky Season 5 Soul Patrol champ is currently touring with Grease. Not as Danny, mind you -- but as the Teen Angel! What is that, 5 minutes of stage time? Oof. Brutal. But, alas, appropriate.


2. Kristy Lee Cook: There was a time when I despised Kellie Pickler and her huckleberry blond schtick. But then I saw Season 7's Cook, whose Eight Days a Week hoedown took eight years off my life. And just like that, "lil' minx" Pickler became a Nashville saint. To the Opry, I say! Even more maddening was that KLC protected herself with Old Glory and God Bless the USA. Brilliant, especially when she worked all the serviceman during a tour at the St. Pete Times Forum. Well, so to speak.


1. Bucky (and Rocky) Covington: Sure, only Bucky performed on Season 5, doing his genuine, but genuinely awful, slack-jawed yokel routine for every bad cover song. But Bucky's twin brother Rocky should also take some of the blame. After all, Rocky is the mutant Covington, which is saying something.

Photos courtesy of AmericanIdol.com