This is it, the big day, your first pivotal step to fame, fortune and a sweet catfight with Kara DioGuardi! Starting at 6 a.m. today, registration for local American Idol auditions will run for 48 straight  hours at Orlando’s Amway Arena. Once you get your magic wristband, you’ll be all set to warble almighty at Thursday’s auditions for the show’s ninth season.

We’ve provided important logistical information for all you future Fantasias (see below); we also strongly suggest checking out the labyrinthine rules at americanidol.com.

But while those regulations are crucial, we’d like to offer a few secret audition tips. Yes, we enjoy ridiculing people on Idol. But we’re talking Sunshine State pride here, and we want our FLA brethren to shine on Thursday!

So allow me to help you get to the American Idol Promised Land, which looks not unlike Paula Abdul’s shiny cleavage.

Tip No. 1 If you’re big and you’re hairy and you simply want to get on TV, wear a bikini. This goes for men and women. Katrina “Bikini Girl” Darrell did the vampy thing last year, so producers want a twist on the trend. You won’t get to Hollywood, but your hirsute bodaciousness will make prime time. I can already see the zany bikini montage now. Look! Chewbacca in a thong! Genius!

Tip No. 2 If you’re really in it to win it, sing Sam Cooke. This is the best advice I’ll give all day. You’ll get scolded for attempting to match Whitney, Celine, Aretha. But Idol rewards those who cover — even screeech (see Lambert, Adam) — the greatest R&B singer of all time. Can’t go wrong with A Change Is Gonna Come or You Send Me. In a related matter, you also can’t go wrong with having a Dad in prison. Always a bonus!

Tip No. 3 If you’re attractive  but your pipes are only mediocre, don’t dress sleazy to overcompensate. That only works while charming music critics. Instead, try the old Humble Hottie routine. Producers will provide plenty of G-rated Allens and Archuletas. But a lot of us watch for subtle tongue-waggers Kellie Pickler and Ace Young, too.

Tip No. 4 Please, for the love of Simon Cowell’s man-bosoms, don’t get a case of the vocal runs. Producers look for unique voices — not someone who sounds like Mariah Carey trapped in a Cuisinart. Instead of shattering octaves, you’d be better off gaining weight, growing a beard and rocking a ’kini. Trust me.
 
Tip No. 5 If I’m doing my math correctly, producers will be on the lookout for either (1) a dynamic R&B entertainer with flash (aka the Michael Jackson effect) (2) a cutie-next-door with a big voice a la Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood and (3) a vaguely cocky rocker a la Chris Daughtry, David Cook and Adam Lambert. If you happen to be any of those, get to Orlando pronto.

And if you see me, say hello. I’ll be the dude in the pink Speedo.

Registration for American Idol tryouts in Orlando are today and Wednesday at Amway Arena; auditions will be held on Thursday. Registration will begin at 6 a.m. and will continue for 48 hours; only one person in line with you through registration.

You must have two forms of ID that show proof of your age and a photograph; if you are under 18, you must be accompanied by a parent or guardian. Amway Arena, 600 W Amelia St., Orlando. (407) 849-2558. http://www.orlandovenues.net/. Parking is $5.

Idol Follies: Associated Press