Dear Busch Gardens,

I recently took my daughters to your theme park. We were having a swell time with your rides and attractions — until I had to take my youngest, apparently the victim of too much popcorn, to the restroom, a men’s room to be exact. Mai-Mai is 21 months old, which means (1) she still wears a diaper but (2) she fills that diaper as if she were a midsized African elephant, an animal with which you’re quite familiar. So imagine my surprise, Busch Gardens, when I discovered that your diaper changing table in said lavatory was not only wobbly (Mai-Mai thought it was another ride -- wee!) but that it was, inexplicably, a solid 15-yard touchdown strike from the nearest trash receptacle.

So as Mai-Mai, in my left hand, tested the not-so-strength of your changing table — boing! boing! — I pondered the ghastly diaper bomb in my right hand. My options were scant: (1) Heave ho the Huggie, a perilous toss to the ridiculously far trash can to be sure or (2) drop the diaper to the ground, which I did. Alas, upon hitting the floor, the elephantine diaper flapped open, revealing the horror to a father and son, who recoiled as if faced with an army of flesh-eating zombies. I then put Mai-Mai down so I could deal with the offending diaper; my youngest daughter instantly woddled to a urinal and started splashing around -- wee!

In closing, Busch Gardens, this playlist is for you:

Changes, David Bowie
Diaper, Meat Puppets
Blow Out, Radiohead
Hot Mess, Ashley Tisdale
That Smell, Lynyrd Skynyrd
Wiggle Wiggle, Bob Dylan
Move It on Over, Hank Williams
Daddy’s Girl, Peter Cetera
Throwing It All Away, Genesis
Baby Elephant Walk, Henry Mancini