Rihanna and Ke$ha: A field guide to the fierceness
They both go by one name. They both love teeny-tiny shorty-shorts. They both possess a fashion sense that screams “Visionary Fembot,” if you’re feeling charitable, or “Picassoesque Tranny,” if you’re not.
But most importantly, they’ve created some of the biggest female solo pop hits in recent memory.
When Rihanna and Ke$ha glide into Tampa Friday for the former’s Last Girl On Earth Tour, it’ll be a night of fierce femininity, fierce fashions and fierce singles — Umbrella, Tik Tok, Disturbia, Your Love Is My Drug. We’re talking dangerous levels of fierceness, people. There’s a very real chance you might walk out permanently covered in cheetah-print leather and day-glow body paint.
So before you go, as a public service, we’ve compiled a handy list of do’s and don’ts for Friday’s concert at the 1-800-Ask-Gary Amphitheatre. The show is at 7:30 p.m.; tickets are $25.75-$95.75. Vogue at your own risk.
DO remember that both Rihanna and Ke$ha have real names. Rihanna is Robyn Rihanna Fenty. Ke$ha is Kesha Rose Sebert.
DON’T confuse Rihanna and Ke$ha for Robyn (a Swedish singer), Sia (an Australian singer), Enya (an Irish singer), Khia (an American singer), Yanni (a Greek mustache) or the Kia Sedona (an affordable Korean minivan).
DO pronounce Ke$ha’s name “KESH-ah,” sort of like “ketchup.” It is not pronounced “KEE-sha,” KAY-sha,” “ke-DOLLARSIGN-ha” or “Lady Gaga.”
DON’T attempt to add a dollar sign to your own name. In Florida, a request to change your name to “$i$$y $pa¢ek” or “Paula £stone” will likely be denied. (Although if you have the patience to appeal the decision, you might come out on top — according to the UCLA Law Review, in 1996, a California man won the right to add an exclamation point to his name.)
DO stock up on spandex for Friday’s concert. Lots and lots of spandex. Both Rihanna and Ke$ha love spandex.
DON’T wear this spandex outside your own bedroom. Trust us: Rihanna and Ke$ha will always better in spandex than you.
DO fill a bucket with glitter, face paint and feathers, then dump it on your head, and you will look like Ke$ha. Macaroni and pipe cleaners are optional.
DON’T attempt to describe Rihanna’s hairstyle in geometric terms. Physicists have concluded that it exists only in purely theoretical shapes, much like the staircases in Inception.
DO bring an umbrella, ella, ella, eh, eh, if you so desire. The 1-800-Ask-Gary Amphitheatre permits small tote-style umbrellas in the event of rain, which is a good bet on summer evenings in Tampa Bay.
DON’T actually brush your teeth with a bottle of Jack. Four out of five dentists recommend Maker’s Mark instead.
DO kick to the curb any boys who look like Mick Jagger. Have you seen Mick Jagger lately? Or, um, ever? Ke$ha, we’re concerned about your taste in men.
DO search YouTube for the video of Ke$ha singing Radiohead’s Karma Police at a high school talent show. Adorably awkward.
DON’T search YouTube for the video of Ke$ha singing anything on Saturday Night Live. Still awkward. No longer adorable.
DO sign Rihanna’s boyfriend, Los Angeles Dodger Matt Kemp, to your fantasy baseball team, as he is tied for lead among National League center fielders in home runs.
DON’T bother dropping that nugget of information into conversation at Friday’s concert, as none of your friends will have any idea what you’re talking about.
-- Jay Cridlin, tbt*. Photos: AP, Getty Images.