11 things that happened in August that would've been called SO FLORIDA had they happened in Florida
1. A 150-pound tortoise on the loose was apprehended by police.
3. A man killed his neighbor's rooster with rat poison because he thought the rooster was "mocking" him.
4. A teacher showed up for school drunk and with no pants.
5. Five family members caught a thousand-pound alligator.
6. A woman stole a $3.99 bottle of wine from a gas station so she could go see her boyfriend in jail.
7. A man was arrested after he drove a stolen electric shopping cart from Walmart to go meet with his probation officer.
8. A man who was wanted on two warrants rear-ended a police detective.
9. An attorney argued his client couldn't get a fair trial on account of his face tattoos and horn implants.
10. Somebody gutted and burned a baby goat outside an office building.
11. A 9-year-old girl shot and killed her shooting instructor with an Uzi.