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11 things that happened in August that would've been called SO FLORIDA had they happened in Florida



I did it for January, and I did it for February, and I did it for March, and I did it for April, and I did it for May, and I did it for June, and I did it for July, so now I'll do it for August.

1. A 150-pound tortoise on the loose was apprehended by police.

2. A woman drove drunk in a Toyota Prius with a stolen python wrapped around her neck.

3. A man killed his neighbor's rooster with rat poison because he thought the rooster was "mocking" him.

4. A teacher showed up for school drunk and with no pants.

5. Five family members caught a thousand-pound alligator.

6. A woman stole a $3.99 bottle of wine from a gas station so she could go see her boyfriend in jail.

7. A man was arrested after he drove a stolen electric shopping cart from Walmart to go meet with his probation officer.

8. A man who was wanted on two warrants rear-ended a police detective.

9. An attorney argued his client couldn't get a fair trial on account of his face tattoos and horn implants.

10. Somebody gutted and burned a baby goat outside an office building.

11. A 9-year-old girl shot and killed her shooting instructor with an Uzi.

[Last modified: Friday, August 29, 2014 4:31pm]


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