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Tom Jones' Two Cents

Sports analysis, perspective and more.

Things to eliminate from sports



Gatorade The International Tennis Federation is considering a rule that would, essentially, ban  female players from screaming, grunting, shrieking or groaning when they hit a ball during a match. Aside from being annoying in general, it's a form of cheating, according to tennis great Martina Navratilova, who said opponents can't hear the sound the ball makes coming off the racket. Well, the following might not be cheating, but it drives me bonkers. Here's a list of other things that should be banned from sports.

Know why baseball games often take more than three hours? Because two of the hours are spent with a batter stepping out of the box to adjust his batting gloves, take four practice swings, fix his helmet and take two more practice swings. Unless a seagull flies into a batter's eye, the batter should be allowed to step out of the box only once per at-bat.

Basketball players should not be allowed to give handshakes, high-fives or low-fives to a teammate who just missed a free throw. Come to think of it, they shouldn't be allowed even if a player makes a free throw. It's a free throw!

Golf Any fan who yells "Get in the hole!'' or "You da man!'' a split second after a golfer hits a tee shot on a par 4 or par 5 should immediately be escorted to the parking lot, have his mug shot taken and never be allowed on the grounds of a PGA Tour event ever again. Also, baseball fans who yell "balk''’ when it is not a balk need to be shown the exit.

If there's a fumble in football and a player starts to signal like a referee that his team has the ball, but it turns out his team does not have the ball, that player should be forced to sit out a play and his team should be penalized 5 yards for giving his fans false hope.

If a wide receiver drops a pass  then immediately jumps to his feet and pulls out several invisible penalty flags from his hip to beg for an interference call, he should be penalized 15 yards for impersonating a referee … and a wide receiver.

If a golfer misses a putt, then has a look of astonishment that the ball didn't break and it somehow was the fault of the earth and the laws of physics, add a stroke to his score.

Garza This one is specifically for Rays pitcher Matt Garza: enough with the spitting! It's hard to tell if the guy's out there to pitch a game or water the infield.

Okay, this doesn't pertain to actual sports, but if I see that Verizon commercial where the guy pours sprinkles all over the counter one more time, I'm going to buy a machete and just start swinging.

A professional wrestler should be disqualified if he uses a foreign substance, hidden object or metal folding chair at any point during a match.

No more of those wormy little grad assistants, who look like they're wearing their dad’s suits, on the end of a college basketball bench and do nothing but jump around and throw up their hands after every single foul. If you're not a coach or player and you have never actually sweated in your life, you should not be allowed on the bench.

Aside from the grunting, here's another for tennis. Do players really need to towel off after every point? Worse, they make some kid bring them the sweaty, smelly towel. You don't see Kobe Bryant calling for a towel after every possession.

Finally (for the time being anyway): Dumping Gatorade on a football coach. Seriously, I don't get it. It doesn't even make sense. Dumping an ice cold beverage on a coach? If any team does that, 10 minutes should be added to the clock.

[Last modified: Monday, June 14, 2010 2:43pm]


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