Celebrity interviews are tricky.
You're obligated to ask what epiphany led to an acoustic cover of Baby Got Back. Why Porky's 5 is such an artistic departure for them.
But what do fans really want to know? We can tell you firsthand it's "Do her feet smell?" or "What pimple cream is best?" or "Is that hair real or tracks?"
On a recent Avril Lavigne phone interview, we talked about her album and stage show. But one fan question — favorite eyeliner? — lingered as her handler cut it off. Interview over.
After two minutes of harrowing depression, we steeled our resolve. How could we surpass the celebrity publicist? Where do stars lacking judgment skills say things they regret?
Twitter, obviously. We would tweet celebrities, asking mundane beauty questions. Surely they would all provide helpful replies. We aimed high, first tweeting our mother figure and religious icon, Joan Collins.
@joancollinsobe Joan, you're my hero! I'm dying to know. What's your favorite lipstick?
We tried reality stars, assuming they'd appreciate attention in any form.
@NeNeLeakes NeNe! My friends and I want to know what eyeshadow you use to look so fierce and mysterious.
@Kateplusmy8 Kate-plus-eight-your-hair-looks-great! I would love to know what kind of shampoo you use.
No reason to leave the men out. Perhaps Lil Wayne or Marilyn Manson would step up.
@marilynmanson Marilyn Manson, I would love to know: What kind of lipstick is your favorite?
@LilTunechi Hey Weezy! What do you do to keep your skin moisture game tight?
Desperate, we sucked up. Hard.
@TheEllenShow Ellen, I think I speak for all of us when I say your skin looks fab! What kind of face products do you use?
@MelRivers Melissa Rivers, you're gorgeous! I need to know: What kind of foundation/powder do you use under the bright lights?
Maybe we needed to get specific. Appeal to their busine$$ sense. We named endorsements hoping they'd think Cover Girl was testing them.
@IAMQUEENLATIFAH Queen Latifah! Your Cover Girl shoots are gorgeous. What kind of foundation do you use?
@katyperry Hey Katy! What's the best color to layer beneath your OPI shatter polish?
Total silence. Only one mean reply from a Kate Gosselin hater called "OompaLoompa Hag." And when Khloe Kardashian started tweeting other fans and ignoring us, we felt lonely and betrayed. We also felt like serial killers.
As we were about to quit and do actual work, this happened:
@CindyCrawford Cindy, I love you! And I must know … What kind of self-tanner do you use?
I don't use self-tanner. sorry!
We said expletives and clapped. Cindy Crawford talked to us! She offered no interesting information whatsoever, but she talked to us! We had broken the digital fourth wall. We were 21st-century trailblazing journalists, getting straight to the source.
We were satisfied settling for non-advice. But then …
@RuPaul Hey RU! WE LOVE YOU! What kind of foundation do you think gives the best coverage?
Not one, but five replies followed.
I use several different brands of full coverage foundation to achieve the perfect finish — Iman — Black Opal — Fashion Fair — MAC. One foundation to match my natural skin tone — one for highlights & another for contour & yet another for warmth of color. Keep in mind that I am on stage — I can exaggerate shading a lot more than the average everyday gal. For the everyday gal I'd recommend a liquid foundation w/SPF 15 or a powder foundation for light natural look. Key is doing the foot work to find what looks best on your skin — it's gonna take trial & error but that's ok — you're worth it.
We're glad someone thinks so.