Everyone is getting nude these days.
Sandra Bullock. Scarlett Johansson. Michelle Williams. Katy Perry.
We're talking about the color, you sick perverts. With each passing awards show, pasty celebrities pile on the palest skin-toned gowns they can muster. They're hoping to come off as ethereal and angelic, but more often than not they look like they've frozen to death in a tundra, or been trapped in a white bread factory naked.
The 83rd Annual Academy Awards are Sunday, and we're nervous. If the Golden Globes, Screen Actors Guild Awards and even the Grammys were any kind of preview, dresses the hue of grits will reign the red carpet once again.
It's not that nude is all bad.
We at Deal Divas always espouse the glory of a nude shoe, which is the quickest and easiest way to elongate a set of stumpy legs. We love a pale cardigan or a bone-colored bag or a pretty beige accessory. Any color is good in moderation. Nude looks great with bold colors or even black accents to break up the monotony.
But when women cover their entire bodies in their exact skin tone, problems occur. Mainly, they look like a grain of Uncle Ben's.
All-over nude zaps the rosiness right out of otherwise luminous, porcelain skin. And it usually underwhelms a look, takings gowns that could have been showstopping and making them "meh."
So far this year, the Nude Army has recruited Kaley Cuoco, Leighton Meester, Heather Morris, Carrie Underwood, Hailee Steinfeld and Nicole Kidman. Dianna Agron, who plays Glee's queen bee cheerleader, Quinn, wore a strapless nude gown by J. Mendel to the 2011 Golden Globes. She looks like Princess Grace most days, and this was no exception. But the whole look would have been much more powerful in a bright shade.
Fashion bloggers the Fug Girls from gofugyourself.com illustrated this best when they Photoshopped her nude dress into pretty shades including aqua, pink, purple, yellow and blue. Almost 70 percent of their readers voted that she looked better in a color — any color.
Wrote one commenter:
I liked her better in a lot of the colors… With the sea of nude-colored dresses at the Globes, I got really tired of seeing any dress that wasn't a neutral. I don't know how I'm going to handle the Oscars if everyone shows up in sparkly skin-colored dresses. I'll have to break out the bourbon.
Hilary Swank donned a nude, one-shoulder Versace dress for the 2011 SAG Awards. It fit her like a dream and draped perfectly, but it was so stinkin' pale that it was almost impossible to make out any of the delicate bead work around the waist. And somehow, it made her hair look like oatmeal. She can do better.
Last summer, celebrity bible US Weekly praised the nude look, calling attention to a somewhat successful version on Kate Bosworth, which benefited from a pair of red shoes and some bold lipstick. Indeed, makeup goes a long way to restoring your proverbial blood sugar. If you must go nude, grab a lipstick and load on the blush.
We hope celebs wear nude responsibly this weekend. Actually, we hope they save the nudity for the after-party, when they can score the same look by ripping it all off and jumping in the hot tub.