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The dull truth about the Sharper Image

As goes gadget king Sharper Image, so goes civilization as we know it.

By Ben Montgomery, Times Staff Writer
In print: Friday, March 14, 2008

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TAMPA — When the archaeologists search for signs of when it all began to crumble, they'll find in the ash and rubble a JumpSnap Ropeless Jump Rope. They'll roll it over in their hands and contemplate it by torchlight. They'll brush at the earth around it and find a black bag, preserved between two stones.

The Sharper Image, the bag will say.

This discovery will precede the Fall of the Empire on the new time line.

Feb. 20, 2008: The Sharper Image files for Chapter 11 bankruptcy.

We saw it coming, didn't we? This Economic Darwinism has been lurking.

But the downsizing of Sharper Image is a jolt of reality, like someone stabbed us with a Grill Fork/Thermometer.

"You'll see a record number of bankruptcies over the next 50, 100 and 1,000 days," Burt P. Flickinger III, managing director of the New York-based retail consulting firm Strategic Resource Group, told the Associated Press. You know you can trust a guy named Flickinger on something like this.

"Consumers are cash- and credit-constrained. They're out of purchasing power."

Here we stand, at the edge of — what? a recession? a depression? — and we throw on the Altar of Capitalism our sacrifices. We cancel our subscription to the New York Times. We start driving below the speed limit.

We walk past the Temple of Opulence without even sitting in the massage chair because we don't want a robotic massage right now. We don't want to feel good.

The thing is, we're not too sad about Sharper Image failing because we secretly deplore Sharper Image because, well, we should have thought of that first. (We did, actually, but we forgot to jot it down.)

Sharper Image was also morally flawed. A gaggle of its gadgets were Tower of Babel-ish products in which man tried to reach past God.

Air? Thanks, but we can do it better. Behold, the Sharper Image Ionic Breeze GP Silent Air Purifier with UV-C Germicidal Protection for only $399.95.

Fire? Actually, that can get a little hot, what with the flames and all. How about a Flameless LED Scented Wax Candle with Auto On/Off Timer for $19.95?

Trying to one-up the Almighty, as it turns out, is not a good business model.

When the news broke, a number of analysts were concerned about what the bankruptcy filing says about the spending habits of high-end consumers. But Sharper Image didn't appeal to the wealthy. Who needs an Electric Shoe Buffer when you can afford to get the real thing before first-class preboarding?

It appealed to us, the jerks who bought the Roomba and spent that first night watching from the couch, the profundity growing with each Budweiser:

A robot is cleaning my house.

A ROBOT is cleaning my HOUSE!

It appealed to the two guys shopping Monday at the International Plaza branch —both wearing jean shorts — who seemed to be thinking seriously about dropping $119.95 on a Star Wars Darth Maul Lightsaber. When we say dropping $119.95, we mean dropping in the extended sense, like on credit. Because we never spent real cash on Sharper Image's space-age stuff.

And, now, that hurts. We feel duped. We couldn't even sell the VIOlight Personal Toothbrush Sanitizer for $5 at the garage sale last weekend.

So we keep walking.

From 2:05 p.m. to 2:35 p.m. on Monday, seven men and two women entered Sharper Image in International Plaza. Not one left with merchandise.

The next big thing is no longer the next big thing.

The Empire has begun to crumble.

Mark it down.

Somewhere near the ropeless jump rope, the men bearing the torches will find a digital picture frame. They'll plug it in and the slide show will begin. The last few pixilated photos will show us smiling, just not as much as before.

Ben Montgomery can be reached at bmontgomery@sptimes.com.