WASHINGTON — Did you read about the recent poll of registered Republicans, the one that showed them to be just a tad . . . extreme? More than half believe President Barack Obama might not have been born in the United States and maybe should be impeached. Only 8 percent believe that openly gay people should be allowed to teach in the public schools. Three-quarters believe kids in public school should be taught that the Bible explains the origin of life. About half believe that the birth control pill is, or might be, the same as abortion. Ninety-one percent are in favor of the death penalty.
Predictably, the liberal media jumped all over this, suggesting that their political adversaries are, in architectural terms, a few bubbles off plumb.
Now I certainly don't want to throw any more heat on an already boilingly polarized situation, but as an investigative humorist, I have come into exclusive possession of some questions and answers from the unpublished, shocking and completely spurious second half of the poll. Here are the highlights:
If Barack Obama were at your feet dying of thirst and you had a cold 2-liter bottle of Diet Pepsi, what would you do?
Seventy-one percent said they would "probably let him lick the sweat off the bottle."
Twelve percent said they would offer him a "nice crouton" or a "couple of saltines."
What animal does Barack Obama remind you of?
Forty-one percent asked, by way of clarification, if a maggot is an animal.
What would you do if a homosexual were at your door?
Forty-one percent said they would keep him or her at bay with a pitchfork or fire hose until police arrived.
Twenty percent said they would sell their house before the neighborhood got any worse.
Is there anything more exciting than watching people drive cars in circles?
Seventy-six percent said no.
Twenty percent said, "Sex, but only with your spouse, while procreating, through a hole in the sheet."
What is the greatest scientific achievement in the history of humankind?
Twenty-four percent said, "Supply-side economics."
Fifty-nine percent said, "The building of Noah's Ark."
Is it ever okay for men to touch other men?
Twenty-two percent said, "When physically apprehending illegal aliens."
Twenty-six percent said, "During surgery, while wearing appropriate protective garments."
Twenty-nine percent said, "Football."
Do you trust any mainstream TV or print publications?
Eighty-one percent said, "Only Fox News."
Nineteen percent said, "Only The Protocols of the Elders of Zion."
Is it ever okay to use any form of birth control?
Twenty-seven percent said, "Yes, but only the 'rhythm' method."
Thirty-four percent said, "Yes, but only the 'abstinence' method."
Twenty-one percent said, "Yes, but only the 'getting really, really fat' method."
How God-blessed is America?
Twenty-nine percent said, "Humongously."
Twenty-seven percent said, "Ginormously."
Twenty-six percent said, "Bodaciously."
Twelve percent fainted in wordless rapture.
Gene Weingarten can be reached at email@example.com.