WASHINGTON — Have you noticed how satirists, late-night talk-show hosts and mainstream media types keep poking fun at Barack Obama?
Neither have I. It's because they don't. The only Obama-targeted humor out there is about how nobody is making fun of him. Meanwhile, nearly every day, some smart aleck is taking a painfully unfair potshot at John McCain for his occasional minor senior-moment misstatement — you know, like saying Serbia is a sandwich ingredient — or because of his uncanny physical resemblance to the Michelin Man.
So why does Obama get a pass? One theory is that he is almost untouchable because much of the media, and all humor venues, are controlled by liberals; and liberals are in the tank for the guy.
My editor and I think this is a shameful reflection on our profession. And so, today, I am going to be the first in the liberal mainstream media to viciously take on Obama as an object of ridicule.
Obama's looks: What we have here is a man whom women swoon over, even though it is plainly apparent that he is a dead ringer for one of those long-faced, spaniel-eared Easter Island heads. There hasn't been this aggressively unhandsome a presidential contender since, I guess, Abraham Lincoln, the Great Emancipator, who single-handedly preserved our nation, binding its racial wounds, and who was also known for being an eloquent speaker. A really, really eloquent speaker. Hey, do you remember when Obama said, "Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek"? Do you realize the amazing economy of words in that . . .
Editor: Move on.
Obama's "experience": Has no one noticed that, by and large, this man is as unseasoned as a hospital hamburger? As green as a granny on a Tilt-A-Whirl? Obama has done absolutely nothing remotely qualifying him for the presidency. He'd hardly set foot in the Senate before he started his campaign, so his experience is essentially that of a lawyer and a state legislator. There hasn't been this empty a resume for a presidential candidate since, uh, hmm. Abe Lincoln. Lawyer and state legislator. Whoa, and they're both from Illinois! It's almost as though God himself is endorsing . . .
Obama's "message": It's not only as fuzzy as a Seurat landscape seen through cataracts, as generalized as a newly commissioned brigadier, but it's not even his own! "The fierce urgency of now," one of Obama's most celebrated utterances, is a direct steal from Martin Luther King Jr. It's shocking. I'm reminded of how Lincoln flagrantly lifted "a house divided against itself" from the Bible, thereby creating an inarguable moral and philosophical underpinning for the war he would wage to save America and to affirm, forever, the dignity of human freedom. It's like . . .
Editor: No more Lincoln analogies.
But . . .
Obama's plan for Iraq: Everyone knows that if virtually all American troops leave Iraq in the 16 months as Obama has promised, the country will explode like a McDonald's ketchup packet under a hobnailed boot. Although it is true that the Iraqis themselves seem to favor this timetable, sometimes a superpower just knows best what's right for the country it is occupying, the way Hitler did when he annexed the Sudetenland and . . .
Editor: This is the best you can do?
Obama pronounces "divisive" incorrectly. He makes the middle syllable rhyme with "hiss" instead of "nice." It really bugs me. It's like having to put up with the weird cadences and odd English pronunciations whenever you listen to speeches by Mahatma Gandhi or Nelson Mandela, and . . .
Editor: Okay, we're done here.
Gene Weingarten can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Chat online noon Tuesday at washingtonpost.com.