Thursday, July 19, 2018
Human Interest

What to tell your relatives when they ask why you're still single

By Maggie MK Hess

It's the holidays! Your relatives have been waiting 12 long months to ask you: (a) what the deal is with millennials anyway, (b) how to fix their printers, and (c) why you're denying them happiness by refusing to find love.

The answers are: (a) Why are you so obsessed? It's bordering on creepy. (b) Try turning it off, turning it on, and then turn yourself around and shake it all about. (c) You're going to need a lot of options here because you're going to be asked this question many times. Just go with whatever feels right for the occasion from the below options:

My dog ate my boyfriend.

My boyfriend ate my dog.

Did you know Goldie Hawn is still unmarried?

I'm thinking about getting my fish a bicycle.

Have you seen Golden Girls? So fabulous.

Waiting for Barack.

Do you think it's my personality?

Who needs love when you have rum cake?

I meet a ton of great, eligible people who I'm super into and who like me, but I'm just, like, trying to perfect the break-up, you know?

I'm doing a Benjamin Button thing.

My angel hasn't fallen from heaven yet.

Taking a bye year.

But first dates are so fun.

Really committed to my Netflix queue right now.

You know, you can just buy waffle irons? They don't make you show a marriage license or gift registry or anything.

I've improved playing hard to get — I play impossible to get.

I vowed I'd never live with roommates again, so marriage is out.

Have you heard the new Adele? Still heartbroken.

I think I'm about to beat Level One on Tinder, so things are going well.

Some animals mate for life. I'm on the fruit fly plan.

My gym membership is for one, and that contract is ironclad, so.

There just aren't a lot of eligible single people where I am, which is mostly on my couch.

My grilled cheese pan is really built for one.

In a pretty committed relationship with my student loan officer.

Did you hear that? That's the sound of another egg dying.

The diagnosis isn't good. My doctor says I have a month at most before my wrists totally give out from swiping.

Do you think they'll let me trade in my PhD for a Mrs.?

I've almost filled my punch card on OkCupid, and then I earn a free relationship.

I lost faith after Justin and Selena broke up the second, third and fourth times.

I'm on the waiting list.

Everyone just treats each other like pizza these days.

My astrologist advises against it.

Waiting for tonight.

If JLo can't find love, what chance do I have?

I keep kissing frogs, but I think the biology lab is onto me.

My MASH results from middle school said I'd get married at 37, so I'm just waiting it out.

My brand is single.

Oh, wow. Look at the time.

Maggie MK Hess lives in Seattle. She wrote this column for the Washington Post.

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