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Cheney and oil pals: That's reality TV worth watching

By Kyle Kreiger, Times Staff Writer
Posted: Jul 14, 2008 06:18 PM

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Maybe Brooke does know best.

After all, wrestler Hulk Hogan's daughter ("star" of Brooke Knows Best) is the one getting rich off the voyeuristic nature of Americans who are star struck by anyone who has rubbed up against fame.

Brooke knows that talent doesn't matter. What matters is having a "name" that will suck in millions off morons who are hooked on watching the nearly famous live.

Channel surf, day or night, and you'll discover any number of shows that fit the fetish.

Here are just a few options:

On Living Lohan, mom Dina Lohan tries to help daughter Ali get into show biz. Young moms should take notes, because Dina did such a good job with Lindsay.

The Two Coreys brings together longtime pals Corey Feldman and Corey Haim to prove that you don't have to be related to be dysfunctional.

As for Denise Richards: It's Complicated, we'll just go with E! Online's synopsis: "Opening up her life for the first time, Denise Richards lays it all on the line. Follow the high-profile star as she navigates Hollywood, romance and motherhood after a tumultuous year in the tabloids." High-profile? Check out her last five projects before reality struck: Jolene; Blonde and Blonder; Secrets of a Small Town; Sex, Love and Secrets; and Edmond. Heard of any of them? I doubt the Oscar and Emmy voters have either.

A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila. Just the idea makes me want to do a few shots.

Gene Simmons Family Jewels. I don't want to touch that one. But at least he was actually good at something. Of course when he was famous, no one knew what he looked like.

What draws people to this drivel that isn't even worthy of the National Enquirer? Are we comforted by how dysfunctional these name brands are? Or do we dream that we might one day be in their shoes?

I'm not a fan of reality TV. But even I understand that American Idol and Survivor play out as new-world game shows. Ice Road Truckers and Deadliest Catch involve real-life drama. Intervention tries to get addicts to find help.

But the Kardashians? Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie? Ozzy Osbourne?

Embarrassing.

Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott?

Come on folks.

The shows are cheap and easy for the cable networks to get on the air, and the "stars" are happy to cash the checks. But I say it's time to do it right. Quit fawning over faux fame.

It's time we demand real reality. The kind with real star power. Here are some ideas:

A Well-Oiled Machine: Vice President Dick Cheney and his big-oil pals discuss how good life is now that Americans are paying more than $4 a gallon for gas. Then these macho dudes hit the woods for some hunting. Anyone who hints at cutting the price at the pump gets invited to hunt alongside Cheney.

Jump the Couch: Actor Tom Cruise invites his friends over to discuss dating, marriage and kids, and the best ways to make millions off of them.

The Material Boy: Baseball star Alex Rodriguez searches for happiness in New York as he shares how tough life is after making your first quarter-billion. Madonna sympathizes. Don't you?

Or you could just tune in to a babbling Brooke.

Times staff writer Kyle Kreiger rants about the serious and silly with one question in mind: Why? Contact him at kreiger@sptimes.com.