On TV this week
MLB, 1 p.m., ESPN Nobody cares about the Houston Astros playing the Texas Rangers on Sunday, so we consider this Opening Day. And, of course, ESPN has to show Yankees-Red Sox. Yawn. Can they both lose?
SEASON PREMIERE The Real Housewives of Orange County, 8 p.m., Bravo The grandmama of these ridiculous Real Housewives shows turns 8 this season, which is ironically the number of facelifts each of these women have had.
SERIES PREMIERE The Gossip Game, 9 p.m., VH1 A reality show about seven "media personalities" vying to suss out the latest hip-hop rumors. The Juice* should really get in on that show.
Castle, 10 p.m., ABC Castle is in his apartment recovering from a broken leg and thinks he witnesses a murder across the street. Then Raymond Burr comes over to strangle him and he falls out the window. Sorry, spoilers.
SERIES PREMIERE Apocalypse 101, 9 p.m., NatGeo Former Marines teach survival skills to nutjobs worried about the end of the world. Wait, people who think it's cool to live out of a bus or keep seven children in a wilderness bunker still think they can trust the U.S. armed forces?
SEASON FINALE Justified, 10 p.m., FX Raylan takes on the Detroit mob for the last time. There just may be some shooting.
Cougar Town, 10 p.m., TBS Grayson is upset about some bad reviews on Yelp. We're all smart enough to know every Yelp review is a bad review.
Body of Proof, 10 p.m., ABC A case of rabies has people thinking there's a case of real-life zombies in the making. Speaking of which, Luke Perry guest stars.
MINISERIES PREMIERE Spies of Warsaw, 9 p.m., BBC America A thriller about a French military attache in an affair with a League of Nations lawyer prior to World War II. Let us guess: Something comes between them. What could it be?
SERIES PREMIERE How to Live With Your Parents (For the Rest of Your Life), 9:30 p.m., ABC Sarah Chalke from Scrubs moves back in with her folks with her young daughter and finds she doesn't get along with them so well. Well, when your folks are Elizabeth Perkins and Brad Garrett, it's not like you're going to magically see eye-to-eye after moving out.
Duck Dynasty, 10 p.m., A&E Bass Pro Shops opens a new wing with Duck Commander's products. See? Totally worth millions in tax breaks and road improvements.
SERIES PREMIERE Forever Young, 10 p.m., TV Land Ashton Kutcher brings us this series about five people older than 70 moving in with five adults younger than 30 to see who drives whom crazy. Sorry, crazier.
SEASON PREMIERE Gruden's QB Camp, 8:30 p.m., ESPN2 A bunch of NFL prospects head to Tampa so Chucky can test their mettle. There are some big names, but we're most interested in what he has to say to Manti Te'o.
SEASON PREMIERE Tabatha Takes Over, 10 p.m., Bravo More salons are struggling, and Tabatha Coffey continues to sigh about their cluelessness. You'd think people would get smarter after five seasons of this.
SEASON PREMIERE Men at Work, 10 p.m., TBS Tyler wants to help Milo find love. Look, if it didn't work on That '70s Show, it's not going to work here.
SERIES PREMIERE Hannibal, 10 p.m., NBC A prequel series that's actually a decent idea: The serial killer doctor from The Silence of the Lambs helps FBI profiler Will Graham catch other killers. Except when he's out eating the population of Baltimore for dinner and trying to slash the agent with a Linoleum knife.
Happy Endings, 8 p.m., ABC RuPaul's gossiping could ruin Max's relationship with Jane and Alex. You haven't heard the strangest part yet.
Nikita, 8 p.m., CW Nikita and Michael find a prosthetic hand Michael could use, but there's a problem. Wait, don't tell us: It's somehow Obamacare's fault.
SERIES PREMIERE VICE, 11 p.m., HBO Bill Maher and Fareed Zakaria team up for this Shane Smith-hosted newsmagazine. Because what we need is more newsmagazines, right, Neal Conan?
— Joshua Gillin email@example.com