On TV this week
SEASON PREMIERE Eureka, 9 p.m., SyFy The final season jumps ahead four years when the Astraeus crashes back to Eureka. Can you tell us who the president is, at least?
Mike & Molly, 9:30 p.m., CBS The couple's wedding would be great, if it wasn't for Molly being unable to fit into her dress at the final fitting. How many fat-joke scenarios will the writers be able to cook up, anyway?
SERIES PREMIERE Richard Hammond's Crash Course, 10 p.m., BBC America Top Gear's Richard Hammond heads stateside to drive things like tanks and logging equipment. The shtick involves him learning machines most people train years to drive in a matter of days. Sounds safe.
SEASON PREMIERE Lost Girl, 10 p.m., SyFy Problems arise after the bombing of Light Fae HQ. Everyone seems to be distracted by something.
The Biggest Loser, 8 p.m., NBC Why does the winner of this show get a new SUV? If you really want to drive the point home, they should get a Fiat 500.
SEASON PREMIERE Mysteries at the Museum, 9 p.m., Travel The goofy histories of museum artifacts continue for a third season. Tonight: Wreckage from James Dean's fatal accident, which should make for a cool story.
SERIES PREMIERE Amish: Out of Order, 10 p.m., NatGeo You just knew a reality show about the Amish was coming, even though they're supposed to refuse vanity projects. You know, like reality shows. That's why the interviews are with ex-Amish. Apparently, it's a thing.
Fashion Star, 10 p.m., NBC The contestants have to design clothing out of their wheelhouse, like making menswear if they like to make women's clothes. Being one-dimensional is silly, like auto racing in which the drivers only turn left.
Modern Family, 9 p.m., ABC Not to spoil it or anything, but Luke's oldster pal Walt dies. Who's gonna play video games with him now? Manny?
SEASON PREMIERE Coast Guard Alaska, 9 p.m., Weather A second season of offshore rescues and death-defying acts of valor. But you, you'd rather watch Jersey Shore or whatever. Way to go.
America's Next Top Model, 9 p.m., CW The models have to create PSAs about dealing with teen bullying. Like the time we made fun of all those gangly teenagers who thought they were pretty but really weren't.
Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23, 9:30 p.m., ABC James Van Der Beek is having trouble shaking the Dawson's Creek thing? You don't say.
Missing, 8 p.m., ABC Keith Carradine guests in what should be an awesome episode full of Kung Fu references. Oh, wait, no, we're a little confused.
The Vampire Diaries, 8 p.m., CW Jeremy hangs out with the wrong folks in Denver. Well, stay outta LoDo, then.
Parks and Recreation, 9: 30 p.m., NBC Leslie gets the councilman to forego cutting the parks department budget, which proves to everyone watching that this is a TV show and nothing on here would ever happen in real life.
SERIES PREMIERE Kathy, 10 p.m., Bravo Kathy Griffin had so many standup specials on this network that they finally decided to give her a recurring talk show and call it a day.
SERIES PREMIERE Locked Up Abroad: Popped, 8 p.m., NatGeo It's like regular Locked Up Abroad, but with Pop-Up Video-style balloons giving factoids every few seconds. You know, in case you were actually taking the show seriously.
SERIES PREMIERE Jennie Garth: A Little Bit Country, 9 p.m., CMT The former Beverly Hills, 90210 star heads back to her family's tiny, 7-acre California farm to figure out what she needs to move on with her life. We do so hope the farm grows self-respect.
SEASON PREMIERE The Ricky Gervais Show, 9 p.m., HBO The animated podcast continues for 13 more episodes. It's about time they redraw fat Ricky's avatar, however.
SERIES PREMIERE Melissa & Tye, 9:30 p.m., CMT Reality-show staple Melissa Rycroft wants to move into movies, so she leaves behind husband Tye Strickland and their young daughter to pursue her dream. Here's a dream: One day we'll turn on the TV and not have to watch inane reality shows about people so desperate for fame they're willing to abandon their families.
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org