On TV this week
SEASON FINALE The Bachelorette, 8 p.m., ABC Time to see if Ashley gets to break some other loser's heart for a change. At least this time she knows she won't be the one left out in the cold. And that's what makes this show so heartwarming!
SEASON PREMIERE The Bad Girls Club, 9 p.m., Oxygen Seven seasons. That's how long we've been watching this anti-Miss Manners show rage on, setting bad examples for our kids and keeping skanks employed. Seven. Never-ending. Seasons.
Pawn Stars, 10:30 p.m., History The guys test an antique signal cannon from Magnum P.I. Oh, come on, Tom Selleck isn't that old. Also, something of real value: Signed Star Trek memorabilia.
The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson, 12:30 a.m., CBS Technically, this is on Tuesday, but Craig finally gets to host his show from Paris, for a whole week!
SEASON PREMIERE Billy the Exterminator, 9 p.m., A&E Billy's hittin' the road, going to South Carolina, Arizona and yes, Florida. Oh, please do something with alligators.
SERIES PREMIERE Take the Money and Run, 9 p.m., ABC In this new game show (hilariously called a "competitive reality series" in press materials, but let's be honest), two chumps hide a briefcase filled with $100,000. Then they're interrogated separately by real police detectives. If they don't give up the goods, they can keep it. And we get one step closer to a real-life version of The Running Man.
Killer Sharks, 9 p.m., Discovery It's Shark Week, so let's get back to our roots by being frightened with the tale of seven shark attacks in South Africa in 1957. Don't worry, all those sharks — or was it just one, really hungry shark? — have to be dead by now.
SERIES PREMIERE Born to Dance: Laurieann Gibson, 10 p.m., BET Lady Gaga's choreographer mentors 20 contestants looking for $50,000 and a chance at a real career as a dancer. They may get lucky and eventually host American Idol, just like Paula Abdul.
SERIES PREMIERE Dumbest Stuff on Wheels, 8 p.m., Speed Video clips featuring vehicles getting into accidents. Why should the cops monitoring red-light cameras get to enjoy it all?
How Sharks Hunt, 9 p.m., Discovery Learn how various species of sharks are going to find you in the water and take big, bloody chunks outta your hide. Say, we should go to the beach this weekend.
Primetime Nightline: Beyond Belief, 10 p.m., ABC Bob Woodroof discusses his out-of-body experience after being injured by a roadside bomb in Iraq in 2006, then interviews other people who have felt the same thing to back him up.
Restaurant: Impossible, 10 p.m., Food A pub wants to attract a younger clientele without alienating its older patrons. That's a toughie, because the first step to getting younger people is to ditch all the old fogeys.
Shark City, 9 p.m., Discovery Shark Week host Andy Samberg swims with sharks in the Bahamas to let us know what it's like. It would rule if he got his pal Justin Timberlake to come along with him and sing a song about it.
SEASON PREMIERE Jersey Shore, 10 p.m., MTV The long-dreaded season abroad is here, as the guidos and guidettes set back U.S. foreign relations in Italy at least 60 years. Remember, doofuses, guido is just a man's name here.
Suits, 10 p.m., USA This episode centers on a mock trial between Mike and Devon, so we will pay mock attention to the situation.
Extreme Chef, 10 p.m., Food The chefs must harvest their ingredients from a farm, but the place is hit by a dust storm. Grit isn't an ingredient, is it?
SEASON FINALE Iron Chef America, 6 p.m., Food Two chefs battle for the Iron Chef crown to close out the season. They will have to compete in G4's American Ninja Warrior and watch all of the American remake of The Ring to win.
Flashpoint, 8 p.m., CBS Wordy's career may go down the drain if Team One reveals a secret. Was it that he really wanted to compete on Iron Chef America?
SERIES PREMIERE Friends With Benefits, 8 p.m., NBC As if the movie with the same name and No Strings Attached didn't already kill this idea to death, this sitcom is about two friends who decide to have platonic sex all the time. Hey, make it interesting for once and have it be about same-sex friends.
SERIES PREMIERE Pauly Shore's Vegas Is My Oyster, 10 p.m., Showtime The weasel is back, hosting a variety show that includes the likes of Maz Jobrani, Andy Dick, Charlyne Yi, Faizon Love and Carrot Top. Oh, so the comedy is going to be family-friendly, then.
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org