On TV this week
Teen Choice 2009, 8 p.m., Fox Parents, it's time for you to settle in and find out who it is your kids are actually paying attention to. Of course, because the Jonas Bros. are hosting and performing, you're getting the sanitized version. Where's Jeremih singing Birthday Sex on primetime?
Great American Road Trip, 8 p.m., NBC Hey, Las Vegas isn't on Route 66! The illusion of reality television is breaking down!
Raising the Bar, 10 p.m., TNT Try as we might, we can't quit picturing Zack Morris from Saved By the Bell. Sorry.
HawthoRNe, 9 p.m., TNT Two couples are fighting over a baby the mom promised to both sets of parents. We say just flip for it; you should know what's heads and what's tails.
The Cleaner, 10 p.m., A&E Whoopi Goldberg drops by for a guest shot, and to completely ruin the suspension of disbelief.
Medium, 10 p.m., CBS So, when CBS picked this up from NBC, we figured they'd start showing episodes when the new season opened, not just watch the same old reruns on a new network.
MonsterQuest, 9 p.m., History You absolutely have to watch anything with a title like "Killer Chimps in America." Those are perhaps the three biggest hits on Google on any given day.
Top Chef Masters, 10 p.m., Bravo Even more amazing than the food these folks churn out is Bravo's ability to fit egos as big as these on one little screen for this long. We're down to four, by the way.
The Philanthropist, 10 p.m., NBC Teddy and Philip head to Haiti to help resolve a food shortage, but Philip apparently has to spend his time arguing with his big-shot politician brother. Yet another reason to not vacation there!
Mental, 9 p.m., Fox A factory worker who gets his fingers chopped off doesn't want surgery. We'd think you'd at least want to flip off your employer one last time.
American Loggers, 9 p.m., Discovery You know it's the dead of August when we're watching episodes of yet another blue-collar chronicle like this.
The Real Housewives of Atlanta, 10 p.m., Bravo But it beats watching these spoiled morons. Seriously, ladies, we know you visited the plastic surgeon; how about you visit the tailor and get your necklines raised a bit?
Neil Diamond: Hot August Night: NYC, 8 p.m., CBS Want to sing Sweet Caroline in your jammies while eating that tub of ice cream all alone on a Friday night? Now you have video to accompany you.
Monk, 9 p.m., USA Remember when you were investigating the murder of a maid and you got bored and looked into a hit-and-run instead? Hey, sometimes you've just got to pick and choose your battles.
Psych, 10 p.m., USA Does it really matter what this week's episode is about? It's not reality TV or a rerun, so enjoy.
— Joshua Gillin email@example.com