On TV this week
CMA Music Festival: Country's Night to Rock, 8 p.m., ABC Little Big Town hosts a highlight reel of the four-day festival, with performances by Sheryl Crow, Brad Paisley, Taylor Swift, Keith Urban, Lady Antebellum and Kid Rock. Wait, Kid Rock?
Americans in Bed, 9 p.m., HBO A documentary about 10 American couples filmed as they talk about their relationships while in bed. We have septuagenarians, celibates and lesbians among others, so there's a discussion suitable for every situation.
Longmire, 10 p.m., A&E A game warden is found dead next to an elk carcass. This poaching in national parks is really getting out of hand.
SEASON PREMIERE Hotel Impossible, 10 p.m., Travel It's a makeover show for places to stay. The first one Anthony Melchiorri visits is a bed and breakfast in Baltimore. Our best advice for improving that situation is simply to not stay at a bed and breakfast in Baltimore.
Extreme Weight Loss, 8 p.m., ABC A 417-pound man wants to lose half his girth and win a prize of sparring with former boxing champ Evander Holyfield. We would think that "opportunity" would be more of a punishment for not losing the weight.
Storage Wars New York, 9 p.m., A&E Mike wants to open a retail shop for his wife, which can only mean one thing: One day someone will be bidding on their stuff in a storage unit somewhere.
SEASON PREMIERE Face Off, 9 p.m., Syfy It's only Season 5 and already they're recycling contestants from past seasons to join this year's group. Are there not enough makeup artists around to fill out another cycle?
SERIES PREMIERE Heroes of Cosplay, 10:30 p.m., Syfy After the special effects competition, this series follows nine cosplayers who do their own makeup and compete in geekfests across America. Anyone who dresses as someone besides the Joker or Harley Quinn from Batman is the winner in our book.
Only in America With Larry the Cable Guy, 9 p.m., History Larry spends some time sexing chicks on an assembly line at a poultry plant. You don't want to know what happens to the little boy chicks.
Franklin & Bash, 9 p.m., TNT The firm becomes part of an insurance fraud investigation. That's not a good sign; You can bilk clients for thousands, but if you fudge an insurance form, you're gonna do time, kids.
SEASON PREMIERE Duck Dynasty, 10 p.m., A&E Uncle Si distracts Phil and Kay from a 49th anniversary party the family is preparing. Shhh! It's a big secret, room full of cameras and producers!
Top Chef Masters, 10 p.m., Bravo Host Curtis Stone's fiancee Lindsay Price works with the chef to make dishes for an engagement party. Is he allowed to not like what they make if she's involved?
NFL Preseason Football, 8 p.m. ESPN It's the new coach bowl tonight, with the San Diego Chargers and new coach Mike McCoy going to the Windy City to face the Chicago Bears and coach Marc Trestman. Well, to sort of face. It's preseason, after all.
Pawn Stars, 9 p.m., History A 2004 Red Sox World Series ring comes to the shop. You can tell it commemorates the Bosox because it's gaudy, overpriced and no one wants it.
Burn Notice, 9 p.m., USA Fiona's boyfriend gets caught up in a gang war. Funny, his Facebook page didn't say anything about that.
Hollywood Game Night, 10 p.m., NBC Wow, this show really does kind of live up to the billing, with Kristin Chenoweth, Dominic Monaghan, Felicity Huffman, Aubrey Plaza, Molly Shannon and Wilmer Valderrama on tonight's panel. There's a real danger of this one actually being entertaining.
NFL Preseason Football, 8 p.m., Fox The bad news: This is just preseason nonsense. The good news: The Bucs are away to play the New England Patriots, so it won't be blacked out. We don't think. The NFL will probably find a way.
SEASON PREMIERE Ghost Adventures, 9 p.m., Travel The trio go to Nevada to look for ghosts in a saloon. Ghosts? Just look around at the hollow-eyed zombies nursing domestic beers and mindlessly playing the slots — they count as zombies, at least.
America's Next Top Model, 9 p.m., CW Real models Alessandra Ambrossio and Rob Evans drop in to show the contestants that a little name recognition goes a long way. Being able to actually take a good photo doesn't hurt, either.
Strike Back, 10 p.m., Cinemax S-20 kidnaps Miguel Gomez's brother in order to draw him out. They should just ship in Rhona Mitra from Beirut; that should do the trick.
— Joshua Gillin [email protected]