On TV this week
SERIES PREMIERE Hotel Hell, 8 p.m., Fox Not content to swear at chefs, Gordon Ramsay now takes aim at hotel owners. Give the Hilton family a call, would you please?
SERIES PREMIERE Stars Earn Stripes, 8 p.m., NBC Let's see, how could a network both embarrass D-list celebrities like Todd Palin, Terry Crews, Dean Cain, Laila Ali and Nick Lachey, then potentially insult the armed forces as well? Watch and find out!
Sharkzilla, 9 p.m., Discovery The Oompa Loompas from Mythbusters build a life-sized Megalodon, a prehistoric monster shark that was 52 feet long and weighed 50 tons. And appeared on the Syfy channel with startling regularity.
SERIES PREMIERE United Bates of America, 9 p.m., TLC This Tennessee family reaches near-level ground in the rivalry with the Duggars of 19 Kids and Counting by getting their own TV show. But will they get a spinoff, too?
SERIES FINALE The Closer, 9 p.m., TNT Brenda Leigh Johnson faces her final case tonight, attempting to best Philip Stroh in a fight to the death. Well, not really to the death, but the show is ending either way.
SERIES PREMIERE Major Crimes, 10 p.m., TNT But don't fret, because everyone else on the show gets to live on in Spinoff Land!
SERIES PREMIERE Gallery Girls, 10 p.m., Bravo Seven young New Yorkers compete in the art world and the social scene. Just from reading the description, we can't decide if it's a reality show or scripted. Not that there's a difference anymore.
SERIES PREMIERE Big Tiny, 10 p.m., TLC Two little people in their 20s — a sister and brother who are 27 inches tall and 38 inches tall, respectively — live their lives on camera. In case you wondered what the world's smallest living brother and sister do all day.
SEASON FINALE Rizzoli & Isles, 9 p.m., TNT A dead woman is found inside a broken statue. Guess we know who the model was, then.
SERIES PREMIERE Counting Cars, 10 p.m., History Danny "The Count" Koker from Pawn Stars gets his own show about flipping cars. No, like buying them, restoring them and selling them, not flipping them over. He'd need help with that.
SERIES PREMIERE The Week the Women Went, 10 p.m., Lifetime Based on a British show, the women of a town in South Carolina are taken away for a week of luxury, leaving the men in charge of everything, including child care and housekeeping. And then they're surprised when they return to find a smoking crater where the town used to be.
SEASON FINALE The Glee Project, 10 p.m., Oxygen Chris Colfer arrives to judge who he's going to have to share screen time with next season. The decision will sooo totally not be based on looks, you guys.
SEASON FINALE Franklin & Bash, 10 p.m., TNT Beau Bridges returns as Jared's dad to try to buy the firm. Jared wasn't kidding when he used to say, "My dad can buy out your dad."
Adrift: 47 Days With Sharks, 10 p.m., Discovery A documentary that has a plane crash and shark attacks set in World War II. It's a disaster trifecta!
SERIES PREMIERE The Burn With Jeff Ross, 10:30 p.m., Comedy The comedian and a panel of pals make fun of current events. Totally new concept, you guys.
SERIES PREMIERE Oh Sit!, 8 p.m., CW It's a reality show based on musical chairs. If you watch it, you deserve whatever happens to you.
SEASON PREMIERE Storage Wars Texas, 9 p.m., A&E Ricky and Bubba want to expand across Texas. They should look into a spinoff. That seems to be where the money is lately.
SEASON PREMIERE American Hoggers, 10 p.m., A&E A rancher is losing goats to a giant, one-eared hog. Like, eating them? Or just chasing them away? And after Jerry rolls his Jeep, Robert gets the family business. Blame the one-eared hog.
SERIES PREMIERE Toy Hunter, 10 p.m., Travel A guy scours the globe looking for vintage toys. As if trying to find a complete Johnny Lightning set at Walmart wasn't hard as it is.
Time Machine Chefs, 9 p.m., ABC Four chefs must make a gourmet meal with no electricity or running water. People ate like that for centuries, so we're not impressed. Try cooking real food with an Easy Bake Oven.
SERIES PREMIERE The Next: Fame Is at Your Doorstep, 9 p.m., CW Another musical competition, with Joe Jonas, Nelly, Gloria Estefan and John Rich as hosts/mentors/judges. Not a bad lineup for the CW demo, actually.
SEASON PREMIERE Braxton Family Values, 9 p.m., WEtv Six more episodes showing what Brandy wishes she were doing, but Beyonce wouldn't be caught dead doing.
SEASON PREMIERE Extreme Chef, 10 p.m., Food Not to be outdone by a one-off like Time Machine Chefs, this season kicks off with the chefs cooking with freeze-dried foods and fires made from scratch. Easy Bake Oven, we tell you!
Sullivan & Son, 10 p.m., TBS The guys find a rare comic book and try to sell it to a collector. We're pretty sure Eide's in the Strip District would give you a decent price. (Pittsburghers out there, do you get that one?)
Teachers Rock, 8 p.m., CBS A roundup of cool teachers that is actually a thinly veiled promo for the movie Won't Back Down. But hey, Meryl Streep, LL Cool J, Usher, Morgan Freeman, Miranda Cosgrove and Dave Grohl talk about their favorite teachers, and Carrie Underwood, Josh Groban, Dierks Bentley and Fun perform.
NFL Preseason Football, 8 p.m., Fox The Baltimore Ravens and the Detroit Lions are a marquee matchup. When's the last time you heard someone say that?
HGTV Green Home Giveaway 2012, 8 p.m., HGTV A viewer wins a 2,300-square-foot, green-built home, plus $100,000 and a GMC Terrain, but has to live in Chattahoochee Hills, Ga. If you're only watching it, you didn't win.
SEASON PREMIERE Boss, 9 p.m., Starz Kelsey Grammer takes a lot of drugs that make him hallucinate. No, on the show. Plus, this season costars Sanaa Lathan, Jonathan Groff and Tip Harris — you may know him better as rapper T.I.
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org