On TV this week
Intervention, 9 p.m., A&E If you're a former Soul Train dancer, it's really bad news when the only other time you're on TV is for a documentary showing you trying to get over a crack addiction.
Shark Attack Survival Guide, 9 p.m., Discovery A green beret uses his survival training to demonstrate how to survive shark attacks, recreating scenarios in which you're likely to get munched. Our advice: Avoid those scenarios.
SEASON PREMIERE Scream Queens, 10 p.m., VH1 Ten more desperately untalented ladies try to win a spot on Saw 3D. How successful was the last season? The only job that winner Tanedra Howard could get was in the same movie.
SEASON PREMIERE The Bad Girls Club, 9 p.m., Oxygen Seven more angry women room together in South Beach. Man, between them and the Jersey Shore crew, this was a bad year to try to get a rental in Miami.
SEASON PREMIERE The Rachel Zoe Project, 10 p.m., Bravo Rachel ditches Taylor in a season that promises appearances by Demi Moore, Molly Sims, Johnny Weir and Gwen Stefani. We know at least one of those people has a flair for the dramatic. Right, Johnny?
SERIES PREMIERE Scrappers, 10 p.m., Spike Three crews try to find the most scrap metal. We don't think it's a game show, just people holding the only jobs left in the current economy.
SEASON PREMIERE Dark Blue, 9 p.m., TNT The only real reason to watch this show: Tricia Helfer guest stars. Oh, well, and Dylan McDermott is back.
Top Chef, 9 p.m., Bravo We can't concentrate on this week's challenges; we're still wondering if Alex swiped Ed's pea puree last week. It's clobberin' time if he did.
Monsters Inside Me, 10 p.m., Animal Planet And if you don't care about eating, watch this episode featuring a fly that uses a boy's eyeball as a breeding ground. Excuse us for a sec ...
SERIES PREMIERE The Real Housewives of DC, 9 p.m., Bravo Back in the day, this network showed operas and ballets and plays — you know, real cultural events. Now we've got yet another installment of five disagreeable women who are completely detached from reality rubbing our noses in how rich they are, including Michaele Salahi, who crashed a White House party. Good thing TV teaches our kids to be good people.
SERIES PREMIERE The Squad: Prison Police, 10 p.m., A&E Did you know that even more crimes are committed in prisons, and that there are special task forces designed to investigate them? Wow, Emerald City from Oz really should have had one of those.
SERIES PREMIERE Stan Lee's Superhumans, 10 p.m., History Lee and Daniel Browning Smith (known as the most flexible man in the world) search high and low for real-life folks who have abilities freakishly similar to those of Marvel superheroes. We can't wait until they locate Sue Storm, aka the Invisible Woman. But how would you know you've found her?
My Child Is a Monkey, 9 p.m., NatGeo A special devoted to the weirdos who adopt pet monkeys and proceed to treat them like children, putting them in diapers and pushing them around in strollers. Isn't this show supposed to be on after Animal Planet's Animal Hoarders?
Eureka, 9 p.m., SyFy It's a Eureka/Warehouse 13 crossover episode, which is twice as nice for all the nerds who are sitting at home watching SyFy on a Friday night. (You are excluded from this if you're recording it on DVR because you have binge drinking to do, however.)
The Pillars of the Earth, 10 p.m., Starz Speaking of binge drinking, Maud isn't too happy to find out that Philip is the guy who betrayed Earl Bartholomew. Fetch the mead, knave!
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org