On TV this week
SERIES PREMIERE Basketball Wives LA, 8 p.m., VH1 It's like Basketball Wives, but in L.A., in case you were noticing a dearth of Los Angeles-centric programming on television.
SERIES PREMIERE Crave, 8:30 p.m., Food A food critic examines the origins of dishes and the science of how they are made. Because Alton Brown is too busy hosting Iron Chef America, we're guessing.
SERIES PREMIERE Ridiculousness, 10 p.m., MTV An Internet clip show. Way to stay out in front of that trend, MTV.
SERIES PREMIERE Death Valley, 10:30 p.m., MTV The LAPD's Undead Task Force hunts down vampires, werewolves, zombies and other monsters. Like the Basketball Wives LA.
SERIES PREMIERE Cuff'd, 11 p.m., MTV Suspects arrested by police are filmed in squad cars talking to officers. That has to violate some sort of civil rights law somewhere, you'd think.
SEASON FINALE Pretty Little Liars, 8 p.m., ABC Family "A" sends the gang on a series of missions, not the least of which is to keep Annabeth Gish on primetime TV somehow.
It's Worth What?, 8 p.m., NBC A couple want to win a million dollars because they're having a baby. At the rate tuition keeps increasing, that may be enough for one semester of college.
9/11: Where Were You?, 10 p.m., NatGeo The run-up to making us all feel sad and somber continues. We simply can't wait to feel bad about the last 10 years!
MINISERIES PREMIERE Big Sexy, 10 p.m., TLC A three-parter about plus-sized models working in the fashion industry. It would help if said industry didn't consider a size 10 plus-sized.
Roseanne's Nuts, 9 p.m., Lifetime Rosie goes back to Salt Lake City to be grand marshal of the Utah Pride Festival parade and revisit where she grew up. No! Please! Don't start making us think of her as a human being!
SEASON FINALE Royal Pains, 9 p.m., USA An art collector needs help because he has a condition that keeps making him fall asleep. It may have to do something with his obsession for art made from ether-based paint.
SEASON FINALE Hot in Cleveland, 10 p.m., TV Land The ladies wake up on Elka's wedding day with no memory of the night before — or where the bride's off to. We really believe Betty White could throw one heck of a roofie-filled bachelorette party.
Necessary Roughness, 10 p.m., USA Dani tries to help the team get over their playoff curse. Step one: There's no such thing as a playoff curse, you losers.
NCAA Football, 8 p.m., ESPN UNLV and Wisconsin face off in the first game of the college season (unless either team is suspended suddenly for violating NCAA rules). Since Nebraska is now in the Big 10, which oddly has 12 teams, we now are violently opposed to the Badgers, so go Rebs!
Beyond Scared Straight, 10 p.m., A&E One teen yells back at an inmate, while another mouths off enough that a prisoner yanks him into his cell. This doesn't seem to be scaring them all that much.
Rookie Blue, 10 p.m., ABC Andy and Traci, who are on an undercover training mission, run into Swarek, who is on a real undercover mission. It really is a small world.
Suits, 10 p.m., USA Harvey's district attorney mentor wants his help when he is being investigated. Surely there's no ethical concerns about that, right?
SEASON PREMIERE Man, Woman, Wild, 9 p.m., Discovery Myke and Ruth Hawke continue to explore the ultimate in survival situations: A former Special Forces survival expert trying to live with a TV journalist.
Rat Busters NYC, 10 p.m., Animal Planet A hoarder (there's that term again!) admits she has lost her pet python in her heaps of clutter while Mike and Jimmy try to kill rats in her home. If the snake had done its job, she wouldn't have had to call them, now, would she?
Torchwood: Miracle Day, 10 p.m., Starz The Torchwood team can only watch as the Three Families let loose a global recession that will ruin the world. Wait, we thought this was a Doctor Who spinoff, not the nightly news.
Sugar High, 10:30 p.m., Food A Chicago restaurant serves a dessert modeled after Elvis Presley. It must be huge, rolled in potato chip crumbs and deep-fried.
— Joshua Gillin [email protected]