On TV this week
SEASON FINALE Ultimate Car Build-Off, 7 p.m., Discovery The finalists have to build a car or truck that drives on water. You know, in case Jesus needs a ride somewhere.
SEASON FINALE Huge, 9 p.m., ABC Family The campers have a hard time reconnecting with their parents, who were so disgusted with their slovenly children that they shipped them off to fat camp for the summer. Hayley Hasselhoff is guest-starring, so she can tell you what really bad parents are like.
SEASON FINALE Dance Your A... Off, 10 p.m., Oxygen We always thought it would be easy to tell who won this competition: Look on the floor for asses that had been danced off, match them up to the finalists and declare your champion.
SERIES PREMIERE Quints by Surprise, 10 p.m., TLC Enough of these families who have litters of five or more. Fertility drugs work, we get it.
SEASON FINALE Warren the Ape, 10:30 p.m., MTV It's so nice to see Corey Feldman working again.
Warren Buffett: The Modern Midas, 8 p.m., NatGeo A special about the Oracle of Omaha, submitted for your consideration simply because he lives in my hometown. That's right, Nebraskans know what's what.
Make It or Break It, 9 p.m., ABC Family We've reached midseason with the coach missing, Lauren upset about her mom and Kaylie falling apart. But Bela Karolyi will make it all better.
SERIES PREMIERE Chopped Champions, 10 p.m., Food Sixteen winners from Chopped apparently didn't get enough time in the spotlight, because they're back in a cooking competition. There should be a rule you only get one set of 15 minutes.
CMA Music Festival: Country's Night to Rock, 8 p.m., ABC Four days of great country music in a couple hours, featuring Trace Adkins, Jason Aldean, Billy Currington, Alan Jackson, Lady Antebellum, Miranda Lambert and Reba McEntire, for the attention-deficit generation.
SERIES PREMIERE Changing Lanes, 8 p.m., BET NASCAR and the music network team up to find a racer among 30 contestants, most of whom are women or minorities. BET and NASCAR? That's the oddest combination since Sandra Bullock and Jesse James.
SEASON FINALE Plain Jane, 9 p.m., CW A woman loses 100 pounds and wants to hit on her coworker. Hint: Chances are he may have noticed already.
College Football, 7:30 p.m., ESPN The first of 180 NCAA games starts tonight with ... South Carolina and Southern Mississippi? What, UC-Santa Cruz and Miami of Ohio weren't available?
American Chopper: Senior vs. Junior, 9 p.m., TLC Senior already is reaching out to Pauly and Mikey only a couple of episodes in, and OCC needs to build a bike for the Science Channel's show Meteorite Men. Okay, Discover Communications, it's not fair to hire one show to build a bike for another show.
Futurama, 10 p.m., Comedy Central When this show first started back up, tbt* questioned whether it could get back up to speed. Considering we're now looking at a mutant uprising led by Leela, we can confirm it was firing on all cylinders back when the Flying Spaghetti Monster made a cameo.
The Short List, 9 p.m., VH1 It may be the 10 Cutest Celebrity Babies, but it's not fair when Brangelina take up six of the spots.
Dangerous Encounters With Brady Barr, 9 p.m., NatGeo Barr sits in cage while a brown bear checks him out, thinking he's a lunch box. Meanwhile, a town is plagued by polar bears roaming the streets. Of course they are, now that all the glaciers are gone.
Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta, 9 p.m., TLC Lavina has been a bridesmaid 15 times. Maybe she should stop trying.
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org