On TV this week
SEASON PREMIERE Bachelor Pad, 8 p.m., ABC You folks do realize that watching other people being horny, desperate and lonely won't make you any less horny, desperate and lonely, right?
Hoarders, 9 p.m., A&E A woman goes for the Hoarders hall of fame by having trouble paying rent on her 16 different storage units full of stuff she doesn't need. Truly, it's the gold standard of bizarre consumerist neuroses.
Man vs. Wild, 9 p.m., Discovery Bear Grylls provides more derring-do, but we're more interested in his son Jesse's exploits. Read The Juice* on Page 38 for more.
SERIES PREMIERE Tia & Tamera, 9 p.m., Style The girls from Sister, Sister are 32 now, so what are they up to? The same kind of stuff you have going on in your life, it seems. But them doing it is so much more interesting!
SERIES PREMIERE Sugar High, 10:30 p.m., Food Ace of Cakes star Duff Goldman takes a break and watches other people make desserts for a while. We'd want to get out of Baltimore, too (L.A. doesn't do it for us, either).
SEASON FINALE White Collar, 9 p.m., USA Is the FBI going to find out the truth, or will we get another season of this series? Tune in to find out!
SEASON PREMIERE Gordon Ramsay's F Word, 10 p.m., BBC America It funny how Gordon doesn't even pretend to give an F word anymore. Like anyone would want to pay for a restaurant with such an abusive cook.
SEASON PREMIERE Top Shot, 10 p.m., History Watching this show with acquaintances is always fun. Example: The contestants pair up to fire what's called the "most powerful handgun in history." If the person you're with knows what firearm that is without being told, you just learned a lot about that individual.
SEASON FINALE Covert Affairs, 10 p.m., USA For some reason, the idea that the real name of the actor portraying a Chinese defector in this episode is Benedict Wong makes us laugh.
Rocco's Dinner Party, 10 p.m., Bravo Three chefs cook a 10th anniversary dinner for Samantha Bee and Jason Jones, but after we saw his scrotum while he got an on-air vasectomy on The Daily Show last week, we've lost our appetite.
One Man Army, 10 p.m., Discovery We're pulling for the Florida motorcycle cop in this week's episode, because those guys are pretty tough hombres. Ever try talking your way out of getting a ticket from one of them?
Love in the Wild, 10 p.m., NBC Challenges this week involve swimming, snorkeling and keeping secrets. Just like every good honeymoon.
Necessary Roughness, 10 p.m., USA The players' girlfriends and wives are fighting. Because it's better than any of the action the spectators are paying for.
SEASON FINALE So You Think You Can Dance, 8 p.m., Fox Time for you to pick who you think is going to win. No, it's not between Kirstie Alley and Hines Ward.
Make Me Superhuman, 9 p.m., NatGeo People invent technological superpowers that allow them to jump really high, throw cars or lift hundreds of pounds. Now that's proof of superintelligence.
Rookie Blue, 10 p.m., ABC A suspect brings a mysterious illness to the station, forcing everyone into quarantine. Oh, man, we saw that movie; it doesn't end well.
SERIES PREMIERE Russian Dolls, 10:30 p.m., Lifetime Now we're following a bunch of Russian-Americans in Brooklyn. Eventually, every group will have its own reality show. We're looking forward to the show about the genetically altered adolescent terrapin martial artists. You know, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Year of the Quarterback, 7 p.m., ESPN Former Bucs QB Trent Dilfer coaches 11 high-school quarterbacks who are undergoing intensive training. Be careful, because Trent primarily knew a lot about throwing interceptions and falling down.
SERIES PREMIERE Karaoke Battle USA, 9 p.m., ABC In case going to the local bar and watching the drunks sing doesn't do it for you, Joey Fatone shepherds contestants past judges Carnie Wilson, Brian Scott and Joe Levy. Please, no American Pie.
SEASON FINALE Whale Wars, 9 p.m., Animal Planet In a shocking move, the crew of the Bob Barker board the Japanese whaling mother ship, murder the crew and sink the boat. Well, no, not at all, but that's how they talk it up.
Lavell Crawford: Can a Brother Get Some Love?, 11 p.m., Comedy Central So what if he was runner-up on Last Comic Standing? He's got a special on basic cable now, suckas.
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org