On TV this week
SEASON PREMIERE Intervention, 9 p.m., A&E Another year of watching other people with lives way worse than your own begins with a homeless woman whose dad offers to get her help. First step: Rent the girl a room, already.
Mariah Carey: Merry Christmas to You, 9 p.m., ABC The diva has a new Christmas album, so you know what that means: A lot of time staring at her tummy and trying to figure out if her baby bump is big enough to be holding twins.
Lie to Me, 9 p.m., Fox For Christmas, Cal gets to go to Afghanistan to find two missing Marines. He can start by leaving out two really big stockings on the mantle.
I Want a Dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown!, 8 p.m., ABC This isn't the classic Charlie Brown tale, but rather that 2003 effort that resurrected little-known ReRun, Linus and Lucy's little brother. You remember him: He spent most of his time in the strip on a baby seat strapped to his mom's bicycle.
Third Reich, 9 p.m., History This is a two-parter that hopefully will horrify enough ignorant people that they'll quit comparing modern-day leaders to Hitler. Then again, they probably won't.
SEASON FINALE The Biggest Loser, 9 p.m., NBC Who cares who wins? Jillian Michaels is leaving! Read The Juice* on Page 31 for more about that.
Gordon Ramsay's Ultimate Christmas, 10 p.m., BBC America See? He doesn't swear all the time.
Let's Spend the Night Together: Confessions of Rock's Greatest Groupies, 8:30 p.m., VH1 Be careful when you ask these girls what they ended up having stuffed in their stockings.
SEASON FINALE Hell's Kitchen, 9 p.m., Fox The prize is not having to listen to Gordon Ramsay shout at you anymore. In that sense, we're all winners!
24/7 Penguins/Capitals: Road to the NHL Winter Classic, 10 p.m., HBO A four-part run-up to the NHL Winter Classic at Heinz Field in Pittsburgh on Jan. 1, detailing how much the Pens and Caps hate each other.
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, 10 p.m., NBC Poor Jennifer Love Hewitt went from modestly successful ghost whisperer to traumatized rape victim. Plus, she has to deal with a crossover episode with Law & Order: Los Angeles. So sad.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, 10 p.m., Bravo Camille's dinner guests hurt her feelings by bringing up old stuff. We're guessing that means how husband Kelsey Grammer ran off with a flight attendant right before shooting of this series started.
Funniest Commercials of the Year: 2010, 10 p.m., TBS Just make them all of the Old Spice guy and call it a night. Oh, and the Dos Equis guy, too. That'd be interesting.
SEASON FINALE Burn Notice, 10 p.m., USA Sure, there's an assault team closing in on Michael, but we'd leave it up to Bruce Campbell to make it all better.
Top 40 Videos of 2010, 9 p.m., VH1 Wait, someone besides Lady Gaga and Taylor Swift made music videos this year?
I Get That a Lot, 9:30 p.m., CBS If we went to a pizzeria and Heidi Klum was working behind the counter, you'd have to wheel us out to keep us from staring. If Paris Hilton was pumping our gas at a filling station, you'd have to wheel us out to keep us from laughing.
Gold Rush: Alaska, 10 p.m., Discovery What happens if, at the end of the season, they don't find any gold? Would they have to change the name of the show for next season?
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org