On TV this week
137th Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, 8 p.m., CNBC Oh, goody, it's that time of year again, when we pretend to be able to identify the ideal example of an English springer spaniel or know how much taller a Dandie Dinmont terrier needs to be. All without once acknowledging birth defects from overbreeding or the overflowing shelters filled with mutts!
Rules of Engagement, 8:30 p.m., CBS Audrey and Jeff want to know the names of all of Russell's exes, so they don't name their baby after one of them. It would be easier just asking for the names of girls he hasn't dated.
SEASON PREMIERE Bizarre Foods America, 9 p.m., Travel Andrew Zimmern goes to D.C. to eat snakehead, pupusas and peanut butter sandwiches made with foie gras. And we thought Washington was all about eating crow.
Monday Mornings, 10 p.m., TNT The staff try desperately to save their TV show by trying to locate a massive injection of viewers, or else the series will expire at a very young age. The clock is ticking, but things don't look good for this patient. It had its whole life ahead of it, too.
State of the Union 2013, 9 p.m., Most networks President Obama tries to convince the American people everything is fine, with the backdrop of the Afghanistan handover, record global temperatures, unrest in West Africa, economic uncertainty in Europe, slipping employment rates, stagnant housing prices, a banking system teetering on the brink, an ineffective education system, helpless law enforcement, a Constitutional debate over gun ownership, the implementation of a controversial health insurance bill, a broken immigration system, a paralyzed Congress and an NFL championship team in Baltimore.
The Face, 9 p.m., Oxygen Oh, right, now we know where Nigel Barker went. He's had experience dealing with Naomi Campbell, at least.
SEASON FINALE Chopped, 10 p.m., Food The contestants must create something delicious with sea snails. We don't see anyone winning this one.
Justified, 10 p.m., FX When Raylan finds a severed foot, he's stumped trying to give it the boot. He kicks things off by staying on his toes, digs in his heels and finally stamps out the mystery.
Survivor: Caramoan — Fans vs. Favorites, 8 p.m., CBS Past season players take on fans of the show, which the series has done before. You'd think finding favorites would be difficult, because most of the contestants end up so unlikable.
Baggage Battles, 9 p.m., Travel Ever wonder where your catalog order ended up, or maybe that letter you never got, or perhaps the extra stock shipments from your favorite store? Apparently it all goes to Toronto's airport. Just like players for the Maple Leafs.
The Americans, 10 p.m., FX Robert had a wife, and Philip and Elizabeth didn't know. What kind of spies are these people, anyway?
SEASON PREMIERE Southland, 10 p.m., TNT Sherman and Bryant realize that being cops in L.A. isn't all it's cracked up to be. Because one day soon, they may have to go to Lindsay Lohan's house, and those cases never get resolved.
SERIES PREMIERE Zero Hour, 8 p.m., ABC Anthony Edwards stars as the publisher of a Snopes-style magazine, but then his wife gets kidnapped and he gets stuck in his own paranormal mystery. If only the Lone Gunmen from The X-Files were around to help him.
MINISERIES PREMIERE Freakshow, 9:30 p.m., AMC A reality-show family runs an oddities museum on Venice Beach, which apparently needs a bearded lady and living giant. Why not find a giant bearded lady? That would cut down on overhead.
SERIES PREMIERE Immortalized, 10 p.m., AMC A reality competition about taxidermists. Why can't they do something exciting, like a show about people who hunt down semis that have been hijacked for their cargo?
SERIES PREMIERE Big Rig Bounty Hunters, 10 p.m., History NOW YOU'RE TALKING, HISTORY CHANNEL! Wait, how is that remotely about history?
The Job, 8 p.m., CBS Five people fight for an editorial assistant job at Cosmopolitan. Did none of them watch The Devil Wears Prada?
Kitchen Nightmares, 8 p.m., Fox A kabob restaurant is failing, just because it has bland food, looks dingy and employs slave labor in the form of the owner's seven unpaid children. Sometimes places should just close, you know?
SERIES PREMIERE Spontaneous Construction, 8 p.m., HGTV Host Ricky Paull Goldin goes on the Interwebs to crowdsource people through Facebook, Twitter, email and more to show up somewhere to help the homeowner. Such is the power of television, to get people to do this work for free. Take a note, Kitchen Nightmares.
Shark Tank, 9 p.m., ABC Kids from New Hampshire aged 12 to 18 create a device that detects unsafe driving. The key to their invention: Pointing out anyone younger than 25 and older than 70 is behind the wheel.
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org