On TV this week
The Carrie Diaries, 8 p.m., CW Carrie goes to a Halloween party (in February?) and has to babysit a drunken Larissa. It won't be the last time you're holding one of your friend's hair, girl.
Hoarders, 9 p.m., A&E Fuzzie and Fred are a pair of middle-aged punk rockers who stuffed their house with junk like records and toys and mannequins. What's wrong with them? Let's start with the name Fuzzie.
SERIES PREMIERE Monday Mornings, 10 p.m., TNT David E. Kelley creates another hospital show, this time based on a novel by Dr. Sanjay Gupta. It stars Jamie Bamber, Alfred Molina, Ving Rhames and Jennifer Finnigan, so we'll give it a try before ridiculing it.
Hotel Impossible: After Anthony, 10 p.m., Travel Anthony Melchiorri takes an hour to see if his advice actually helped any of those hotels in the long-term. He could at least get a free room out of it, but that would be bad for business.
SEASON PREMIERE Smash, 9 p.m., NBC Bombshell worked in Boston, but no one can just enjoy success on this show. Thank goodness things behind the scenes are in tatters.
SERIES PREMIERE The Face, 9 p.m., Oxygen Models Naomi Campbell, Karolina Kurkova and Coco Rocha coach teams of pretty women hoping to not be compared to America's Next Top Model. Watch for flying cellphones.
SEASON PREMIERE Tosh.0, 10 p.m., Comedy Daniel Tosh is back again. He's running out of canceled shows to make reference to before the commercial breaks.
Cougar Town, 10 p.m., TBS Jules is just now considering getting out of real estate. Apparently, it's 2006.
The Middle, 8 p.m., ABC Frankie and Mike worry Axl won't be getting an athletic scholarship. If only they'd taught him to read well enough to get an academic one!
Guys With Kids, 8:30 p.m., NBC Chris is jealous of the male nanny watching his son, which is sure to not only be rife with gender-role jokes, but also has a good chance of featuring the odd crack about someone being gay. Odds are 5 to 3 right now, anyway.
Nashville, 10 p.m., ABC Rayna is unhappy to learn Deacon is now in Juliette's band. Well, who wouldn't want to hang with the girl from Heroes?
CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, 10 p.m., CBS Thanks to a crossover with CSI: NY, Ted Danson and Gary Sinise are in the same episode. They will spend five minutes comparing their respective movie scenes with Tom Hanks, who would make a cameo if only this show were on NBC.
SEASON PREMIERE Community, 8 p.m., NBC Can Jeff finally get the credits he needs and graduate? There must be more cancellation rumors.
The Vampire Diaries, 8 p.m., CW Shane & Co. head to an island off Nova Scotia searching for the cure. What island? Like, Newfoundland?
Beyond Scared Straight, 10 p.m., A&E We look back at some of the kids from the show to see if they were, indeed, scared straight. If they're being interviewed in prison, signs aren't so good.
SEASON PREMIERE BrandX With Russell Brand, 11:30 p.m., FX Russell made it to a second season. This is better than It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia how?
Last Man Standing, 8 p.m., ABC Mike learns the first rule of being the father of a pretty teenage girl: If you like her boyfriend, she will quickly lose interest in him.
SERIES PREMIERE The Job, 8 p.m., CBS Candidates compete for real jobs with companies like Cosmopolitan magazine, Major League Soccer and Live Nation. Unemployment has been so high for so long, we've inevitably turned it into a game show.
SEASON PREMIERE Touch, 8 p.m., Fox Because it was getting harder and harder to find locations that looked like New York, the series officially moves to L.A. to make things easier. The kid actor still doesn't get to talk, and Kiefer Sutherland still gets to make references from some apparently shameful career as a journalist.
SERIES PREMIERE The Jenny McCarthy Show, 10:30 p.m., VH1 Having the former Playmate of the Year host her own talk show reinforces VH1's target demographic of people old enough to remember the Reagan administration. In the first episode, she'll likely come to the realization that the sailor she kissed on New Year's Eve had no idea who she was.
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org