On TV this week
Heat Seekers, 8 p.m., Food Network The guys go to Nashville to try the so-called Vodka of Doom. That's pretty much any vodka, in our experience.
Hoarders, 9 p.m., A&E When Fred's doctor asked him if anything in his environment may have contributed to his end-stage pulmonary disease, he probably should have mentioned the MILLIONS OF COCKROACHES SWARMING AROUND HIS HOUSE!
SERIES PREMIERE First Week In, 10 p.m., Discovery This new series follows convicted criminals headed to the lockup for the first time (although it probably won't be their last). This is likely meant by producers to be a crime deterrent, but if it's anything like MTV's Teen Mom, there will soon be a spike in felonies.
SERIES PREMIERE Smash, 10 p.m., NBC A songwriting team work on a Broadway musical based on Marilyn Monroe's life. At least we now know Michelle Williams could play the lead. For more on this show, turn to Page 34.
Glee, 8 p.m., Fox Will turns to Ricky Martin for help with his Spanish assignment. But really, is there a problem Ricky Martin couldn't solve?
SERIES PREMIERE The River, 9 p.m., ABC Paranormal Activity creator Oren Peli conjures up this show about a wildlife expert with an adventure reality show who goes missing on the Amazon and is being sought by his family and former crew members — who are taping it for our benefit, of course. If only the Kardashians could get lost that way.
SEASON PREMIERE The Real Housewives of Orange County, 9 p.m., Bravo We dare not miss a week without the doings of rich, surgery addicted, unemployed ice queens. Especially not the ones from Southern California. No, the other ones.
SERIES PREMIERE Doomsday Preppers, 9 p.m., NatGeo The freakos worried about the end of the world apparently have become so numerous, some enterprising sort has decided to chronicle their preparations. SHHHH! You don't want to give away your best secrets! Now we all know where your zombie bunker is.
SEASON PREMIERE Jersey Couture, 10 p.m., Oxygen The Jerseyites continue to try to find the perfect dress for that special occasion. Like your parole hearing, or those divorce proceedings.
Person to Person, 8 p.m., CBS Edward R. Murrow's seminal interview show returns with CBS This Morning's Charlie Rose and 60 Minutes' Lara Logan sharing the duties. Take that, Barbara Walters.
Modern Family, 9 p.m., ABC Phil is jealous of his wife's business partner, who happens to be Greg Kinnear, but we're more interested in Mitchell and Cameron staying with Jay and Gloria while their house is being tented. That'll be way more fun.
Beast Tracker, 9 p.m., Discovery Are tiger sharks just as dangerous as great whites? Maybe all that negative press is just so much bull shark.
Top Chef: Texas, 10 p.m., Bravo The cheftestants have to choose ingredients for a challenge blindfolded. Boy, we hope they aren't making anything with boiling water.
American Idol, 8 p.m., Fox It's time to go to Hollywood. After that casting massacre on The X Factor, all the judges have to be glad to be back home.
Party Like, 8 p.m., NatGeo How did masquerades become popular? We suspect because ugly people like to have fun, too.
Snake Man of Appalachia, 9 p.m., Animal Planet Denishea turns 17, gets her driver's license, wants to drop out of school, marry her boyfriend and move out of state. Every dad reading this just passed out.
SERIES PREMIERE Mudcats, 10 p.m., History More redneck fishing shows, this one in Oklahoma. Eventually they'll get all 50 states.
Good Eats: Turn on the Dark, 8 p.m., Food Alton Brown hosts this special about chocolate, so get ready to learn some science about why you are so addicted to the stuff.
Who Do You Think You Are?, 8 p.m., NBC Marisa Tomei traces her family roots, likely so she can find out who had the influence to help her win that Oscar.
Fringe, 9 p.m., Fox Pete, Walter and Olivia are stuck in a city from which they apparently can't escape. Or as most of us call it, our hometown.
Valentine's Day Massacre, 10 p.m., NatGeo What could be more romantic than learning about a bunch of gangsters gunning each other down 80 years ago? Nothing, that's what.
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org