On TV this week
SERIES PREMIERE American Pickers, 9 p.m., History A pair of professional trash pickers comb through piles of garbage, old barns and abandoned houses looking for valuable stuff. Wait 'til they meet the folks from Hoarders.
24, 8 p.m., Fox We hope Chloe's new nemesis works out better than the tiresome sniping with Janeane Garofalo last season. Otherwise, we're sending Jack after her.
SERIES PREMIERE Life Unexpected, 9 p.m., CW A teenage foster child becomes emancipated and tracks down her parents, who seem to be very welcoming for a couple who abandoned their child 15 years ago.
SEASON PREMIERE The Millionaire Matchmaker, 10 p.m., Bravo A couple of Patti's new clients are afraid women are only after their money. Well, yeah, they have zero personality and questionable social skills, can't dress themselves and are more arrogant than the New England Patriots. Money's all they've got.
SEASON PREMIERE REAL Sports With Bryant Gumbel, 10 p.m., HBO This show should be sponsored by Timex, it's been on so long.
SERIES PREMIERE Paranormal Cops, 10:30 p.m., A&E Little-known fact: This is what they were going to call Ghostbusters back in the day, before the shooting location changed from Chicago to New York. Wait, no.
Steven Seagal Lawman, 10 p.m., A&E Has anyone else noticed that Seagal has no responsibilities whatsoever on this show?
CSI: NY, 10 p.m., CBS Listen up, Tampa Breeze. This episode is about a Lingerie Football League quarterback who ends up murdered in a locker-room hot tub. The moral: Don't use the hot tub at the Forum.
Toddlers & Tiaras, 10 p.m., TLC New episodes return with these freaky families showing up in Florida for the Little Miss Glitz pageant. We knew those people on TLC's chat boards couldn't keep this creepfest down.
SERIES PREMIERE The Deep End, 8 p.m., ABC Oh, look, a high-powered L.A. law firm has not one, not two, not three, but FIVE hotshot rookie lawyers wreaking havoc. It'll be on after the New York cop show and the busy urban hospital show.
30 Rock, 9:30 p.m., NBC Liz organizes a road trip for the gang in order to beat a case of cabin fever, but anyone with an ounce of sense understands you shouldn't vacation with your coworkers. That's why we go on vacation!
The Mentalist, 10 p.m., CBS Sharon Lawrence, who was on NYPD Blue (another cop show), guest stars as the mayor, whose aide has been murdered. She should call those folks from The Deep End.
Law & Order, 8 p.m., NBC A family of four is murdered, supposedly by a runaway who was friends with the family, but we know better. Where is that kid with post-traumatic stress disorder? Oh, here he is.
SERIES FINALE Dollhouse, 9 p.m., Fox We keep hearing how awesomely talented Joss Whedon is, but will he ever have another successful TV series? Unless Buffy returns, we say no. Hey, we can watch Firefly on DVD just so many times.
SERIES PREMIERE Caprica, 9 p.m, Syfy Ever wondered where the Cylons from Battlestar Galactica came from? You'll find out in this new series. Take notes, Mr. Whedon.
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org