On TV this week
2 Broke Girls, 8:30 p.m., CBS Max and Caroline don't know what to do when, after deciding to clean an apartment for a little extra cash, find out the owner is a hoarder. The answer is simple: Charge by the hour.
SEASON FINALE The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, 9 p.m., Bravo Lisa's daughter Pandora is getting married, which does not bode well for the day. For more about the gang, read The Juice* on Page 42.
Two and a Half Men, 9 p.m., CBS Jake is unhappy because a girl he likes has a thing for Ashton Kutcher. Up until a couple of months ago, you could have asked Demi Moore how she deals with her daughters feeling that way.
Bizarre Foods With Andrew Zimmern, 10 p.m., Travel Andrew is done touring the globe for a while, so he's coming to America to eat stuff like guinea pig and fried duck testes. He sure has a thing for testicles.
State of the Union, 9 p.m., Any network you'd usually watch President Obama addresses America for the last time during his first term. Will he be back next year, or will he get canceled? Find out in November!
SEASON PREMIERE Joan & Melissa: Joan Knows Best?, 9 p.m., WE Joan prepares for another round of plastic surgery. Wait, is this a rerun?
SERIES PREMIERE Beyond Belief, 10 p.m., OWN Wes Moore hosts this series about rescues, overcoming adversity and unexplained occurrences. So he's basically hosting every news magazine ever.
White Collar, 10 p.m., USA Neal helps the FBI figure out what happened to stolen scholarship money at an elite prep school. You know, a matter of national security.
SERIES PREMIERE Touch, 9 p.m., Fox After taking a couple of years off to serve time in jail and recover from his time playing Jack Bauer, Kiefer Sutherland returns to play a single father whose mute son can see patterns and details that would make John Nash blush. Oooh, he gets to practice his purposeful wince again!
Dog the Bounty Hunter, 10 p.m., A&E Baby Lyssa ends up in the drunk tank with no memory of how she got there. That's not really the place you want to be if you're a bounty hunter's daughter.
Top Chef: Texas, 10 p.m., Bravo Now that Beverly is gone, it'll be interesting to see who the other female chefs badmouth and gang up on for no apparent reason.
When Vacations Go Bust, 10 p.m., Travel This really isn't the kind of special we want to watch after that cruise ship accident in Italy.
The Fireball of Christ, 8 p.m., NatGeo A documentary about how a possible meteorite strike may have been the sign that pushed the Romans to convert to Christianity. Either that, or it's a rockumentary about a Christian death metal band.
30 Rock, 8 p.m., NBC The presence of both Will Arnett and James Marsden virtually guarantees the missus will think this is the best season of 30 Rock ever.
Winter X Games, 9 p.m., ESPN The ABC networks will have 16 hours of coverage through Sunday, which is great, because we really forget it snows in other places sometimes.
SERIES PREMIERE Russell Simmons Presents The Ruckus, 10 p.m., Comedy Central Simmons and JB Smoove showcase stand-up routines from all sorts of funny people. It's like it's on a comedy channel or something.
SERIES PREMIERE Fat Chef, 10 p.m., Food Yes, overweight chefs feel bad about being rotund, even though that's one profession in which you'd expect that affliction. So here's a show that puts fat chefs into therapy and exercise routines to prove something is wrong with them — just like every other show on TV tries to prove there's something wrong with you!
SERIES FINALE Chuck, 8 p.m., NBC Here are two last episodes for all you people who stuck with this one long enough to keep it from being canceled outright. You're welcome.
SEASON PREMIERE Spartacus: Vengeance, 10 p.m., Starz Liam McIntyre replaces poor Andy Whitfield, who tragically died of cancer. Liam starts a slave revolt to make it up to Andy.
SERIES PREMIERE Bering Sea Gold, 10 p.m., Discovery Another Alaska show, this time about people hunting for gold under the Bering Sea. And you thought crab fishing was an uncomfortable and dangerous job.
— Joshua Gillin email@example.com