On TV this week
SEASON PREMIERE The Bachelor, 8 p.m., ABC Man, 17 seasons of this stuff. Emily Maynard didn't love Sean Lowe, so why should we?
SEASON PREMIERE Switched at Birth, 8 p.m., ABC Family Bay is accused of cheating and must face the Honor Board. If that doesn't sound harrowing enough, realize the Honor Board is a 5-foot-long 2 by 6 covered in spikes and barbed wire.
SEASON PREMIERE Antiques Roadshow, 8 p.m., PBS Somebody in Corpus Christi, Texas, just casually strolls in with some painting. By Mexican artist Diego Rivera. It just may be worth something.
SEASON PREMIERE Love & Hip Hop, 8 p.m., VH1 The aspiring rappers and models return to New York this year. With all the other aspiring rappers and models.
2013 Discover BCS National Championship, 8:30 p.m., ESPN Notre Dame plays Alabama in Miami. Prepare for a baseball score.
SEASON PREMIERE Bunheads, 9 p.m., ABC Family The studio is closed, so we get to see what all the dancers are doing. Most people call those things "jobs."
SEASON PREMIERE The Lying Game, 9 p.m., ABC Family Emma is all upset by Alec. Who cares? He's in prison now.
MINISERIES PREMIERE Africa, 10 p.m., Discovery It took four years and trips to 27 countries for the film crew that made Life to handle the continent of Africa. Get a good look before poachers, deforestation, pollution, overpopulation and warfare destroy it all.
SEASON PREMIERE Justified, 10 p.m., FX Raylan Givens is back getting ready for the birth of his child, which is sure to put a dent in his daily violence quotient.
SEASON PREMIERE America's Supernanny: Family Lockdown, 10 p.m., Lifetime Deborah Tillman continues to try to repair generations' worth of poor child-rearing and family relations in an hour.
SERIES PREMIERE Snooki & JWOWW, 10 p.m., MTV You thought Jersey Shore was over, didn't you? Well, this one was gonna be plenty boring, but then Snooki went and had a bouncing baby plot twist.
SEASON PREMIERE Cougar Town, 10 p.m., TBS Jules is married now. Kind of ruins the concept of the show, don't it?
SEASON PREMIERE The Burn With Jeff Ross, 10:30 p.m., Comedy Comedians back to take potshots and underperformers of the week. Like these TV listings, except these folks get paid.
Stars in Danger: The High Dive, 8 p.m., Fox JWOWW, Bethany Hamilton, Alexandra Paul, Kim and Kyle Richards, David Chokachi, Terrell Owens and Antonio Sabato Jr. jump off the high boards to further put quotes on "stars" and "in danger."
People's Choice Awards 2013, 9 p.m., CBS When fans have to pick awards in which Adam Levine leads nominations (with six), nobody's really a winner.
SEASON PREMIERE Barter Kings, 10 p.m., A&E We don't know exactly how these things are connected, but somehow snakes in a food truck are involved. Pass.
SERIES PREMIERE 60 Minutes Sports. 10 p.m., Showtime Armen Keteyian, Steve Kroft, Lara Logan and Scott Pelley do the 60 Minutes thing about sports, but decide CBS isn't the place to be if they want anyone to, you know, watch the show.
The 18th Annual Critics' Choice Movie Awards, 8 p.m., CW The Broadcast Film Critics Association pick the best movies of 2012, which rarely have anything to do with the top-grossing films of the year. But as we know, people really care about what critics have to say.
30 Rock, 8 p.m., NBC Jack Donaghy returns to Florida with Liz in tow to settle his mother's estate. The HOA will not be pleased about how long her lawn has been left uncut.
SEASON PREMIERE The Millionaire Matchmaker, 9 p.m., Bravo Patti Stanger continues to be brusque, loud, dismissive and irritating, yet is mystified as to why she can't find her own husband. Fancy that.
SERIES PREMIERE 1600 Penn, 9:30 p.m., NBC Bill Pullman is in the president again, but instead of fighting aliens, he's fighting viewers' urge to change the channel.
SEASON PREMIERE Kathy, 10 p.m., Bravo Kathy Griffin returns to her talk show, no doubt to discuss why on earth she was simulating oral sex on Anderson Cooper on New Year's Eve.
SERIES PREMIERE Double Divas, 10 p.m., Lifetime How, exactly, do you become a lingerie designer? And how much help, really, does a woman need choosing lingerie? These and other piercing insights are offered tonight.
A New Age of Exploration: National Geographic at 125@, 8 p.m., NatGeo An anniversary special looking back at the organization that taught us what the word quasquicentennial means.
SERIES PREMIERE Banshee, 10 p.m., Cinemax It's like Amish Mafia, but fake. They get all Rumspringa Gone Wild up in here.
Merlin, 10 p.m., SyFy Merlin and Arthur attempt to free the slaves under Morgana's castle, with the help of a spirit Morgana is seeking. That'll be quite the happy hour mixer when those two meet.
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org