On TV this week
2012 Allstate BCS National Championship, 8:30 p.m., ESPN We already saw LSU beat Alabama months ago. Man, it was boring. Good thing they're playing for all the marbles a month and a half after college football season ended. The BCS is really planned well!
Fear Factor, 9 p.m., NBC One contestant is slowly submerged in water as their teammate tries to dive in and free them before they run out of air. It won't be long before this "game show" turns into a bloodsport.
It's a Brad, Brad World, 10 p.m., Bravo Brad just got to New York and is already hiring a personal assistant. He's really fitting in well.
Alaska Wing Men, 10 p.m., NatGeo The weather is nice and clear and the boys are just out for fun. Where's the excitement in that? We want you risking life and limb for our entertainment!
SERIES PREMIERE Shipping Wars, 9 p.m., A&E A series about independent contractors for large, heavy or just plain bizarre. Why is everything a war on these shows? Calling it Shipping Bids probably just doesn't have the same ring to it.
SEASON PREMIERE Dance Moms, 9 p.m., Lifetime In case Toddlers & Tiaras didn't already ruin your faith in parenting, there's this one again.
SEASON PREMIERE The Game, 10 p.m., BET The whole gang has their own problems, but now Brandy is part of the cast. That should solve everything.
SERIES RETURN Tabatha Takes Over, 10 p.m., Bravo This is being billed as a "relaunch" of Tabatha's Salon Takeover, but this time Tabatha Coffey is bossing around more than hairdressers. Except the first episode features a salon. Makes perfect sense.
SERIES PREMIERE 24 Hour Catwalk, 10 p.m., Lifetime Four designers will compete for the chance to create their own fashion lines in one day. One very, very long day.
SEASON PREMIERE Let's Stay Together, 11 p.m., BET The show explains why Charles left Stacy at the altar. Saying the show needed a second season wasn't reason enough.
SEASON PREMIERE One Tree Hill, 8 p.m., CW It's time for one last season, the show's ninth, to wrap things up. How are Brooke and Julian doing with the kids, anyway?
SERIES PREMIERE Are You There, Chelsea?, 8:30 p.m., NBC Chelsea Handler's new show is kind of about her, and has her in it, but Laura Prepon from That '70s Show is the star. Sure, she can't play herself in her 20s, but Handler really needs a new agent.
People's Choice Awards 2012, 9 p.m., CBS Let's get this one in before the "real" awards shows start up, shall we? It's not like the nameless rabble voting in this could pick an Oscar winner, you know.
SEASON PREMIERE Only in America With Larry the Cable Guy, 9 p.m., History Of course History Channel sends Larry the Cable Guy to Alaska. Because according to them, that's the only state in the union worth being on TV.
Amazing Eats, 9 p.m., Travel Hey, Travel Channel, knock it off with all the food shows. We have a network for that.
SEASON PREMIERE Face Off, 10 p.m., SyFy Another season of people doing things with makeup that are unbelievably good, just so we can suddenly become experts in their trade and say they stink at it.
SEASON PREMIERE 30 Rock, 8 p.m., NBC Another season of wondering whether Alec Baldwin will come back next year. Just so long as it's not as bad as last season.
The 17th Annual Critics' Choice Movie Awards, 8 p.m., VH1 People not allowed to vote in the Oscars but watch movies for a living try to show us they're just as good at picking winners. So Harold and Kumar aren't getting anything, is what we're saying.
SERIES PREMIERE The Finder, 9 p.m., Fox A spinoff of Bones with a guy who is good at, well, finding things. He's not available for car keys or baby socks.
SERIES FINALE One Life to Live, 2 p.m., ABC The soap lasted 44 years, but couldn't survive DVRs and the Internet.
SERIES FINALE Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, 8 p.m., ABC The show goes out with a bang, helping seven families in tornado-stricken Joplin, Mo. Aw, that's actually really nice.
SEASON PREMIERE Real Time With Bill Maher, 10 p.m., HBO Let's see if he can offend all Christians by making fun of Tim Tebow on the air like he did on Twitter.
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org