On TV this week
SEASON PREMIERE American Ninja Warrior, 8 p.m., NBC Former defensive end Akbar Gbaja Biamila joins Matt Iseman as a bunch of people who watch G4 try to prove they have upper-body strength in a quest for a $500,000 prize. Because watching others fail is even more fun than watching them succeed.
Gideon's Army, 9 p.m., HBO A documentary follows public defenders working in the Deep South. They may not make a lot of money, but they at least get the satisfaction of watching a disproportionate number of their clients get convicted.
SERIES PREMIERE Below Deck, 10 p.m., Bravo This show is for anyone who ever wondered what life was like for the poor schlubs who serve as crew on luxury yachts. Not that you ever wondered that, because you don't have time for the little people.
SERIES PREMIERE Siberia, 10 p.m., NBC Okay, so it's a scripted drama about a Survivor-esque reality competition with a little of The Running Man thrown in, since the danger is much worse than having to share a toothbrush. This show is so meta, your brain asplode.
SERIES PREMIERE Nine for IX, 8 p.m., ESPN A new show about how women have changed the sports they participate in. The first is how Venus Williams demanded equal pay for tennis prizes, probably by arm wrestling for them.
Chopped, 10 p.m., Food Teenagers with sharp knives and open burners. What could possibly go wrong?
Perception, 10 p.m., TNT A woman reports her husband has been abducted by aliens. When Pierce and Moretty arrive on the scene, they're surprised to find Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones saying something about an "Edgar suit."
Being Mary Jane, 10:30 p.m., BET Technically this Gabrielle Union movie — about a single woman with the original plot of having to juggle her career, her family and her personal life — is a pilot for a series coming to BET next year, but you'll probably forget about it until then.
Family Tools, 8:30 p.m., ABC Tony tells Jack not to fight with the bug guy. Because why bother? The show's been canceled already.
Franklin & Bash, 9 p.m., TNT Which one will bring the firm better press, one defending a fisherman as a pirate or one about the psychic? You'd think Rachel's psychic case, because she'd be able to tell you.
Futurama, 10 p.m., Comedy Central Another plot involving Bender and a folk singer. We already did this one with Beck almost a decade ago.
Mystery Diners, 10 p.m., Food The staff at a restaurant are upset because their military veteran manager is too strict. That's just more potatoes for you to start peeling on KP, you layabouts!
Macy's 4th of July Fireworks Spectacular, 8 p.m., NBC Nick Cannon hosts some performances by his wife Mariah Carey, Taylor Swift and Tim McGraw. Then things blow up.
Secrets of the Earth, 8:30 p.m., Weather If you have nothing else to do while waiting for things to blow up, this series has an episode about this thing called snow. It's cool. No, literally, it's cool.
A Capitol Fourth, 9 p.m. (check local listings), PBS For people who don't know who Taylor Swift is, Tom Bergeron introduces Barry Manilow, Megan Hilty, Jackie Evancho and Scotty McCreery. Then things blow up.
House of Curves, 10 p.m., WEtv Meanwhile, this show about a plus-sized boutique is putting on something called the Junk in the Trunk Show. Then things blow up.
Cult, 8 p.m., CW Edie is scared of a pair of figurines she had when she was little. Well, those Hummels are kind of unsettling.
Treehouse Masters, 10 p.m., Animal Planet A boomerang kid moves back in with her folks, so they decide to build a guest house in a copse of trees behind the house. Just so long as she pays rent for it.
Life's Too Short Special, 10 p.m., HBO A follow-up to last year's series about Warwick Davis, who is still trying to convince people a show featuring Wicket the Ewok could catch on. Val Kilmer's in it, so you know who's bringing the star power.
Continuum, 10 p.m., Syfy Kiera has a nervous breakdown, activating a psych protocol in her brain chips. We'd call it Prozac (Celexa if you're diabetic).
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org