On TV this week
America's Got Talent, 8:30 p.m., NBC A very small fraction of the eleventy billion contestants will be eliminated tonight! Can you stand the suspense?
Locked Up Abroad, 10 p.m., NatGeo The first clue your estranged dad is going to get you arrested for smuggling weed: He wants to meet you in Pakistan.
SERIES PREMIERE Four Houses, 10 p.m., TLC Four homeowners tour each other's houses, discuss what works and what doesn't, then vote on who has the best. It's like talking with your own neighbors, but here you get a cash prize for it.
SEASON PREMIERE Web Therapy, 11 p.m., Showtime Lisa Kudrow's original Web series was so good on TV last year, they've asked her to come back and make some more. We can't wait for the crossover with Matt LeBlanc's Episodes.
The Catalina, 8 p.m., CW Nathan decides at the last minute to throw a Cinco de Mayo party. We know it's tough to plan; if only there were some way of knowing which day of the year it was going to be.
SERIES PREMIERE Michael Wood's Story of England, 8 p.m., PBS The historian visits the village of Kibworth to tell 2,000 years of history through the past of that one settlement. It jumps 1,400 years in two hours, though, so you won't be waiting long.
Love in the Wild, 10 p.m., NBC The couples have to do something involving tarantulas, which would end in divorce at our house.
SERIES PREMIERE Haunted Highway, 10 p.m., SyFy Jack Osbourne takes a pal on the road to investigate paranormal claims. It should start at dad Ozzy's house.
2012 Hot Dog Eating Contest, 3 p.m., ESPN Five-time champ Joey Chestnut ate 62 hot dogs and buns in 10 minutes last year, so if he does less than an even six-dozen, we'll be disappointed.
Independence Day, 8 p.m., AMC Because, well, duh.
A Capitol Fourth, 8 p.m., PBS Tom Bergeron's D.C. celebration features Megan Hilty, Javier Colon, Kool & the Gang, Kelli O'Hara and the National Symphony Orchestra.
Macy's 4th of July Fireworks Spectacular, 9 p.m., NBC Who needs D.C., though? Go to New York and commercialize the holiday. That's the American way!
Boston Pops Fireworks Spectacular, 10 p.m., CBS Or just watch Michael Chiklis introduce Jennifer Hudson and the Boston Pops in Beantown. It beats hunting down a parking spot for the local show.
Breaking Pointe, 8 p.m., CW Sure, Rex took a fall on opening night, but why bother figuring out what happened? Really, what's the worse that could come of it?
Wipeout, 9 p.m., ABC Two dozen members of the armed forces take on the obstacles tonight in order to win $50,000 (and have the show donate $20,000 to the USO). It's just not the same without grossly overweight people bouncing off the course.
Saving Hope, 9 p.m., NBC A patient needs both his hands reattached. So the docs are literally lending him a hand, see.
Rookie Blue, 10 p.m., ABC Andy responds to a domestic disturbance and learns her own mother is the social worker on the case. That should make it easier to find out what happened then, you'd think.
SERIES FINALE The Revolution, 2 p.m., ABC Good Afternoon America will be replacing this show about … well, it was about something or other. Nobody watched it, so nobody cares.
Undercover Boss, 8 p.m., CBS The owner of 1-800-Flowers learns his own company actually has brick-and-mortar stores. Well, we didn't know that, but you'd think he would.
Whale Wars, 9 p.m., Animal Planet Wait, wait, wait … these do-gooders are boarding whaling ships now? Good thing the Japanese don't have Navy SEALs of their own.
Corey Holcomb: Your Way Ain't Working, 10:30 p.m., Showtime This guy did a voice on The Cleveland Show. You'll have to watch to find out which. Or Google it.
— Joshua Gillin [email protected]