On TV this week
SEASON PREMIERE Bachelor Pad, 8 p.m., ABC Since the contestants from The Bachelor and The Bachelorette really are a pack of losers, the producers are bringing in some brand-new people. Surely they will be able to convince someone they're worth loving.
SEASON FINALE American Ninja Warrior, 8 p.m., NBC The Japanese version of this show often featured people unable to win the fourth and final stage, leaving the series without a grand champion. But this is America, and doggone it, we demand someone get the trophy at the end, even if 85 percent of our society is too fat and slovenly to undertake a 65-foot rope climb.
SEASON PREMIERE Warehouse 13, 9 p.m., SyFy The Warehouse was destroyed last season, so shouldn't they change the name to Warehouse 14 or something?
SEASON PREMIERE Alphas, 10 p.m., SyFy Dr. Rosen is discredited and imprisoned for revealing the Alphas exist. And that's how the government suppresses test results they don't agree with.
SERIES PREMIERE I'm Having Their Baby, 11 p.m., Oxygen An adoption show told from the birth mother's point of view, which guarantees you'll need to hand the missus an extra box of Kleenex.
SERIES PREMIERE Trust Us With Your Life, 9 p.m., ABC Fred Willard hosts a show about improv actors playing out scenes from Jerry Seinfeld's life. We wonder if Jerry was ever caught red-handed in a prono theater.
The Real Housewives of Orange County, 9 p.m., Bravo A show full of "lost footage," which is Bravo-speak for "footage that's pretty outrageous but we need to keep each show to 43 minutes, so here's all the stuff we cut out."
The Godfather Legacy, 9 p.m., History This celebration of the 40th anniversary of the first movie and how it influenced our culture is ironically hosted by The Sopranos star Michael Imperioli, who wouldn't have a career if it wasn't for Mario Puzo.
SERIES PREMIERE American Gypsies, 9 p.m., NatGeo Ralph Macchio — yes, that one — produces a show following modern-day gypsies in New York. And just like the movie Snatch, this first episode involved gypsies boxing.
SEASON FINALE Love in the Wild, 10 p.m., NBC If Jenny McCarthy can't break you up with an overnight hike through a swamp, then nothing will, big winners.
The CLIOS: World's Best Commercials, 8 p.m., NBC It's like a preview show for the Oscars, if all the movies were 30 seconds long.
Best of The Road, 8 p.m., Travel For a minute we misread that as Best of Cormac McCarthy's The Road, and were going to nominate … well, none of the scenes, because, man, that book was oppressively dour.
SEASON PREMIERE Top Chef Masters, 10 p.m., Bravo Guest stars this season include Sugar Ray Leonard, the Indigo Girls, Dita Von Teese, the B-52s, Brian Boitano and Holly Madison. Plus: the first episode has the contestants cooking a high-end buffet.
Picked Off, 10 p.m., History The four teams are looking for things on the Gulf Coast. One team finds a 13-foot alligator. They should use that to eat the other three teams.
SERIES PREMIERE Trip Flip, 9 p.m., Travel Comedian Bert Kreischer asks people to throw out their itineraries and let him show them around their destination, doing crazy things like cave rappelling, Mexican wrestling and driving a Ferrari. That's way better than taking that day trip to the village where they make all the hats.
SERIES PREMIERE 3, 10 p.m., CBS Three single women with different backgrounds join forces to pick true love out of a pool of 100 suitors. We all know they'd probably choose to knock off the show and hit the wine bar together instead.
Chef Wanted With Anne Burrell, 10 p.m., Food Four chefs must make a burger as an interview for a head chef job in Boston. Just make the burger pale, angry and full of beer and you're a winner!
Sullivan & Son, 10 p.m., TBS Dear writers from California: NO ONE in Pittsburgh calls the interstate "the 79." Please stop having the characters say that.
Summer Olympics, 7:30 p.m., NBC Unless the U.K. imported about 200,000 more citizens, London is gonna have a hard time beating Beijing for pure spectacle in tonight's opening ceremonies.
Lost Girl, 10 p.m., SyFy Backpackers start aging and dying overnight. Well, you try living on gorp for years and see how well you're doing.
Common Law, 10 p.m., USA Wes and Travis bring in their former mentors to consult on a murder case. The mentors probably end up fighting, too.
SEASON PREMIERE John Oliver's New York Stand-Up Show, 11 p.m., Comedy Central The first of six new episodes showcases just how John Oliver's Daily Show shtick doesn't translate to the stage as well as you'd think it would.
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org