On TV this week
Huge, 9 p.m., ABC Family Will writes a love song because she's jealous of Ian's friendship with Amber. If your name was Taylor Swift, that thing would go double platinum.
Homeless: The Motel Kids of Orange County, 9 p.m., HBO It's not what you think: These kids are living in motels, attending a year-round school while their families are busy working. You don't see that on Real Housewives of Orange County.
SERIES PREMIERE Fish Warrior, 9 p.m., NatGeo Jakub Vagner heads into the Ecuadorean Amazon to catch a giant arapaima, a fish large enough to eat snakes and monkeys off the surface of the river. Just remind the fish it's a catch- and-release show if it manages to get a drop on Jakub.
SERIES PREMIERE Breakthrough With Tony Robbins, 8 p.m., NBC Tony Robbins and his license-plate teeth try to help six people improve their lives with a series of challenges. As if paying the mortgage, keeping the kids in school and off drugs, and still getting along with your spouse wasn't a big enough obstacle course.
SERIES PREMIERE MasterChef, 9 p.m., Fox It's like Top Chef, but with Gordon Ramsay. That means there's a lot more swearing.
SERIES PREMIERE Growing Up Twisted, 10 p.m., A&E Gene Simmons got his own reality show, so why wouldn't Dee Snider? Because Kiss is better than Twisted Sister, that's why.
SEASON PREMIERE The Colony, 10 p.m., Discovery Another season of survivors fending off crazed rednecks, natural disasters and emotional isolation. Wait, that's Louisiana in real life, too.
Top Chef, 9 p.m., Bravo Are we at the point where we can remember any of the chefs names yet? Besides Kenny and Angelo, nope, not there yet. Oh wait, Eddy, too! And Amanda, who is unlikable. We're getting closer.
SERIES PREMIERE Plain Jane, 9 p.m., CW British fashion expert Louise Roe takes some normal-looking women and makes them glamorous with a big makeover. So, it's like every other makeover show, then.
24 Hour Restaurant Battle, 10 p.m., Food We missed noting the premiere of this one last week; it's kind of like Top Chef, except the contestants are entire restaurants and not just single chefs. There are fewer chances for fist fights that way.
X Games, 2 p.m., ESPN Ah, four days of sports you can't do being performed by people you can't understand in places you would never visit. A whole 31 hours of TV coverage, too!
Rookie Blue, 9 p.m., ABC An old codger runs down a cyclist on accident. Is this a new reality series set in Pasco County?
SEASON PREMIERE Jersey Shore, 10 p.m., MTV Blah blah guidos blah guidettes blah blah South Beach blah fights blah GTL etc. Please, merciful heavens, save us now.
Wife Swap, 8 p.m., ABC One mom (from Florida, natch) spends all her time hunting for a mythical swamp creature while another ignores four of her kids so she can turn one 9-year-old into a hip-hop star. Boy, those two don't seem to match up at all.
Eureka, 9 p.m., SyFy Colin Ferguson directs himself in this episode, probably in an attempt to have the series make some sense.
The Pillars of the Earth, 10 p.m., Starz Prior Philip and William fight over a business opportunity (access to a quarry) while Richard needs money to get a new job title (as a knight). Things really haven't changed much since the 12th century, have they?
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org