On TV this week
SEASON PREMIERE Major Crimes, 9 p.m., TNT Nadine Velazquez from My Name Is Earl and The League joins the cast as a deputy D.A. Never before have so many wanted to be prosecuted for something.
SERIES PREMIERE Deon Cole's Black Box, 10 p.m., TBS Oh, look, a show featuring video clips from the Internet! It's the most original idea since Tosh.0 ripped off The Soup.
SERIES PREMIERE King & Maxwell, 10 p.m., TNT Jon Tenney and Rebecca Romijn star as a pair of former Secret Service agents working as private investigators. Their first case: Why Jerry O'Connell is better than John Stamos.
SERIES PREMIERE The Winner Is …, 10 p.m., NBC Technically, this is just a sneak preview, but Nick Lachey hosts this new show that lets people try singing for judges. They are then offered a consolation prize they can take before learning if the judges rejected them. It's like a litmus test to find out if you have low self-esteem.
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart, 11 p.m., Comedy Boy, Jon Stewart sure seems taller. And younger. And British. Wait, that's just John Oliver. (See story Page 26.)
SEASON PREMIERE Pretty Little Liars, 8 p.m., ABC Family So the lodge burned down. That doesn't mean we can't have an entire season of A-inspired drama!
SERIES PREMIERE Twisted, 9 p.m., ABC Family A 16-year-old gets out of juvie after serving five years for killing his aunt. For some strange reason, no one really wants to talk to him now, especially when he's accused of murder.
SEASON PREMIERE Shipping Wars, 10 p.m., A&E You'd think transporting unknown quantities of bizarre items wouldn't be a cutthroat business these days, but here we are.
Pretty Wicked Moms, 10 p.m., Lifetime For any parent who overplans their kid's birthday party: You do realize the tyke will probably forget it by the time they get up the next morning, right?
Spike Guys Choice 2013, 9 p.m., Spike Game of Thrones is probably a big favorite for awards this year. Strangely, Magic Mike is not.
Ghost Hunters, 9 p.m., SyFy Amy Bruni is back from maternity leave. That means it's time to go to Shreveport to look for ghosts. What a vacation!
SEASON PREMIERE Royal Pains, 9 p.m., USA Hank is back from brain surgery. That means it's time to go to the Hamptons to look for rich people. What a vacation!
SEASON PREMIERE I'm Having Their Baby, 10 p.m., Oxygen A future father is back after signing over his paternal rights. That means it's time for him to go find the adoptive father and look for a fight. What a vacation!
SERIES PREMIERE Dig Wars, 10 p.m., Travel Three teams of archaeologist wannabes compete for the best find. That means it's time to go into the back woods and look for artifacts for money. What a vacation!
SEASON PREMIERE Necessary Roughness, 10 p.m., USA It's six months after the Hawks made a run in the playoffs. That means it's time to hit the free-agent lists and look for some winners. That doesn't sound like much fun, actually. Expensive, too.
Anger Management, 9:30 p.m., FX Charlie has the hots for a subject from his sex study. That's not what they meant by "study."
Tabatha Takes Over, 10 p.m., Bravo A woman needs help with her salon, which is also a photography studio. We hope the customers like their hair before their pictures are taken.
SEASON PREMIERE Sullivan & Son, 10 p.m., TBS We finally meet Susan's husband, who turns out to be Ken Jeong. Frankly, the jokes could just stop there.
SERIES PREMIERE House of Curves, 10 p.m., WEtv A reality series following Kenyatta Jones, the owner and designer of Bella Rene, a plus-sized clothing company. We're sure the show has a lot to cover.
SEASON PREMIERE Magic City, 9 p.m., Starz James Caan, Esai Morales, Jamie Harris and Sherilyn Fenn join the cast just as Jeffrey Dean Morgan's wife and son learn about his partners after he gets arrested. Just so long as they don't know about the Katherine Heigl thing on Grey's Anatomy.
Treehouse Masters, 10 p.m., Animal Planet The owner of an Austin, Texas, spa resort wants to build treehouse units. That's pretty relaxing, unless you're afraid of heights.
Mystery Diners, 10 p.m., Food Cooks are battling a bartender who keeps bringing wild animals into work. Well, we can think of one way the kitchen can solve that problem.
— Joshua Gillin email@example.com