On TV this week
SERIES FINALE The Secret Life of the American Teenager, 8 p.m., ABC Family Remember when all the cast members on this show really were teenagers? Aw, good times. Now it's time to say buh-bye.
SERIES PREMIERE The Fosters, 9 p.m., ABC Family Producer Jennifer Lopez takes on the family drama with this one about a lesbian couple with a biological son, adopted twins and a foster daughter. This must have been a How Many Issues Can We Use For Plotlines? award-winner.
SEASON PREMIERE Teen Wolf, 10 p.m., MTV We start the third season by wondering what other '80s movies MTV can successfully turn into a TV series. We would have said Weird Science, but USA already did that one in the '90s.
SERIES PREMIERE Mistresses, 10 p.m., ABC Four women share their romantic exploits, led by the omnipresent Alyssa Milano, who seems to never age. Just so long as Shannen Doherty isn't in it …
SEASON FINALE Revolution, 10 p.m., NBC Why is it called the Dark Tower, anyway? Every tower is dark these days, from what we can understand.
SEASON PREMIERE Counting Cars, 9 p.m., History Danny Koker returns to buy more old vehicles and restore them in Las Vegas. It's become especially difficult, given that so many Vegas residents have resorted to living in their cars.
SEASON PREMIERE America's Got Talent, 9 p.m., NBC Heidi Klum and Melanie Brown join the judging panel, officially making this the best project Howie Mandel and Howard Stern have ever worked on. Too bad Nick Cannon is still on, though.
SERIES PREMIERE Pretty Wicked Moms, 10 p.m., Lifetime Six Atlanta women live in a fantasy world where competing with other mothers over their mothering is more important than actually, you know, being a mother. Hey, this one lady doesn't even have a kid! Dogs don't count, okay?
SERIES PREMIERE Exit, 10 p.m., Syfy Pairs of weirdos compete to escape a series of four rooms locked by puzzles and riddles. It's like the movie Cube, but without the acid being sprayed in people's faces. We think.
SERIES PREMIERE My Teen Is Pregnant and So Am I, 10 p.m., TLC Moms and their daughters end up pregnant at the same time, hopefully by different fathers. Well, what do you expect to happen to them, with role models like that?
CMT Music Awards 2013, 8 p.m., CMT Jason Aldean and Kristen Bell host the fans' choice awards, which should always be the most important style of award show, but never is. Like we care what the rest of Nashville thinks about Taylor Swift.
Only in America With Larry the Cable Guy, 9 p.m., History Larry finds out Post-Its, Nerf balls and Twister all come from Minnesota. Also, frostbite and mosquitoes the size of B-52 bombers.
SEASON PREMIERE Chef Robli & Co., 10 p.m., Bravo Catering to A-listers must be very difficult. You have to both make food that will impress them, then not be offended when they don't eat it because they're starving themselves.
SERIES PREMIERE The Good-Buy Girls, 10 p.m., TLC Direct Shopping Network personalities Brook Roberts and Tara Gray want to shift from jewelry to spray tanning and doggie treadmills. Um, you might wanna think this one out some more.
SERIES PREMIERE The Hero, 8 p.m., TNT Dwayne "The Rock'' Johnson tests the physical and mental limits of 10 contestants vying to win cash. The final obstacle is trying to recall without Google the last time the wrestler was referred to without having "The Rock" inserted between his given and surname.
SERIES PREMIERE 72 Hours, 9 p.m., TNT Another game show testing people's limits, this one is about teams of three strangers dropped in the middle of nowhere with only a bottle of water and a GPS. They must then find a television with a cable connection within three days so they can watch The Hero.
Hannibal, 10 p.m., NBC Perhaps the best stunt-casting for this show was making Freddie Lounds a woman. Because who wouldn't want to bite Lara Jean Chorostecki on the lips? (Thomas Harris fans will get that one.)
SERIES PREMIERE Graceland, 10 p.m., USA Put FBI, DEA and Customs agents together in a California beach house and see what happens. Chances are they'll all sit around and watch TNT.
Killing Lincoln, 8 p.m., NatGeo Tom Hanks narrates a dramatization of the events surrounding Abraham Lincoln's assassination. Not to spoil it, but John Wilkes Booth did it.
Da Vinci's Demons, 9 p.m., Starz Leonardo tries to save the Medicis from the Pazzis' murder schemes. Because if they die, who else will buy Leo's paintings?
Tanked, 9 p.m., Animal Planet A mall in Annapolis, Md., wants a sailboat fish tank. So, of course, the guys start looking at battleships for ideas. We do hope they know battleships don't have sails.
Mystery Diners, 10 p.m., Food The manager of New Orleans seafood restaurant wants to be a comedian. We bet the health inspection is no laughing matter.
— Joshua Gillin email@example.com