On TV this week
How I Met Your Mother, 8 p.m., CBS Only a guest appearance by Carrie Underwood could make the gang reminisce about some old crash-and-burn relationships they've had. Well, all of Barney's are like that, aren't they?
24, 9 p.m., Fox We're glad to see the writers gave up on that stupid storyline where Katee Sackhoff is helping some old boyfriend, but we hate watching Omar Hassan coming unhinged after being one of the few positive Arab characters on TV for a few hours.
The Big Bang Theory, 9:30 p.m., CBS Sure, Penny stole Sheldon's boy, Leonard, but when she makes him miss a chance to meet Stan Lee, well, no geek would just let that sit.
The Biggest Loser, 8 p.m., NBC The temptation winner gets to divide the survivors into red and blue teams. We'd put all the biggest people on one and all the smallest people on the other, then challenge them to a teeter-totter contest.
SEASON PREMIERE Southland, 10 p.m., TNT Russell's replacement Rene investigates the disappearance of an elderly man who may have been abducted by a drug addict. Social security checks don't buy much crank these days.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, 11 p.m., Bravo We only mention this one because Jimmie D, that Chicago boy who made fun of his date for being dumb (and being a Scientologist) comes crawling back for a second chance. We know this one will be entertaining, if for no other reason than we get to try to decipher that horrendous Midway accent.
Gary Unmarried, 8:30 p.m., CBS Nobody really wants to see Jay Mohr and David Koechner get in a wrestling match, but, hey, sitcoms have to keep the population dumb somehow, right?
SERIES FINALE Nip/Tuck, 10 p.m., FX Series creator Ryan Murphy gets to make the final cut in this series before he turns his attention back to Glee, which has ended up being much more commercially viable. But wait! We have to find out who ends up with whom, right?
SEASON PREMIERE The Locator, 10 p.m., WE A woman looks for her father, who left 35 years ago, and a woman looks for a sister she never even knew existed until finding an old photo. Maybe they ran off together.
The Office, 9 p.m., NBC The sure sign a sitcom is going downhill is when they throw a baby into the mix. So Pam is just doing her part to make sure this show follows the TV life cycle.
SEASON FINALE The Real Housewives of Orange County, 10 p.m., Bravo Tamra tells Vicki she's thinking of giving Simon the boot at the final party of the summer. They should let you vote from your Bright House remote.
The Real Housewives of New York City, 11 p.m., Bravo Surprise, surprise, Bethenny is taking all her clothes off in front of a camera. At least it's for PETA and not Playboy.
SERIES PREMIERE Who Do You Think You Are?, 8 p.m., NBC Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick, Brooke Shields, Emmitt Smith and Susan Sarandon explore their family trees in this new series that seems to think John Doe doesn't have anything interesting going on in his cultural background.
Dog Whisperer, 9 p.m., NatGeo Cesar talks about his toughest cases and dispels myths about supposedly aggressive breeds. All he needs to do is play with Daddy the pit bull for an hour and that'll prove that.
Spartacus: Blood and Sand, 10 p.m., Starz Last week we said this show is like Gladiator if Maximus' wife hadn't been killed. Well, Spartacus' wife has been killed and now he's going to become a hardcore gladiator. Wait, what's the name of this show again?
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org