On TV this week
SEASON PREMIERE Dancing With the Stars, 8 p.m., ABC The collection of misfits and weirdos on this show gets a bit more recognizable, with Gladys Knight, Gavin DeGraw, Melissa Gilbert, Martina Navratilova and Jaleel White among the contestants. Well, Urkel's still a weirdo, but you see where we're going with this.
SEASON FINALE Pretty Little Liars, 8 p.m., ABC Family We finally find out who the mysterios "A" is, and it's not Hester Prynne (go back to junior high English class for that one).
House, 8 p.m. Fox House's mom shows up with her new boyfriend. No, that's not this week's patient.
Smash, 10 p.m., NBC Want to know the difference between this show and Glee? Bernadette Peters, someone who has actually won two Tonys, is this week's guest star. That about sums it up.
The Biggest Loser, 8 p.m., NBC The eight victims will be working out on the Hawaii ranch where they filmed Jurassic Park. Being chased by a velociraptor will make you run faster, that's for sure.
The Real Housewives of Orange County, 9 p.m., Bravo Alexis, Briana and Tamra all contemplate having plastic surgery. Because they aren't fake enough, see.
Fashion Star, 10 p.m., NBC The designers have to make two designs and put them in a store. Whichever ones customers prefer is what they must showcase. It's almost like fashion is a business or something.
SEASON PREMIERE The Little Couple, 10 p.m., TLC Jen and Bill try to have another child, but they must decide if their surrogate is ready, or whether they should adopt. Or they could just adopt the surrogate.
MLB Preseason Baseball, 1 p.m., ESPN The Rays battle the Yankees in Port Charlotte as ESPN showcases a spring training game. Yes, the animosity begins that early.
SERIES PREMIERE Bent, 9 p.m., NBC A single mom lawyer is into a womanizing contractor with a surfing addiction. Just what you'd want in a father figure.
Rita Rudner and 3 Potential Ex-Husbands, 9 p.m, Showtime Rita introduces comedians David Gee, Allan Stephan and Jon Fox. It sounds like it beats watching Bent.
SERIES PREMIERE Duck Dynasty, 10 p.m., A&E In basic cable's quest to document every single oddball profession, we now are following a family that makes duck calls and decoys. Because someone has to.
Rip the Runway 2012, 10 p.m., BET Selita Ebanks hosts a fashion show that features clothes people would actually wear, plus performances by Lil' Kim and Estelle. Take that, Vicki's Secret.
SERIES PREMIERE Touch, 9 p.m., Fox Kiefer Sutherland is back with a new show about a dad who can't connect with his kid. But this time, instead of being a counter-terrorism agent with a dum-as-dirt daughter, he's a widower with a mute son who can see weird connections between people, places and events. That puts him one up on TV execs.
SEASON FINALE Project Runway All Stars, 9 p.m., Lifetime Tommy Hilfiger helps decide which runway collection is least appalling as another season draws to a close.
Omens of the Apocalypse, 10 p.m., NatGeo An entire special about how natural occurrences like animal die-offs make lunatics and sickos among us think the end of the world is really coming. Here's a hint: If the world ends, it'll probably be our own fault, not a murder of crows that drops dead.
Inside Comedy, 11 p.m., Showtime Steven Wright and Kathy Griffin are complete opposites in tonight's sit-down with David Steinberg. Do you prefer manic or deadpan? Why not have both?
Kitchen Nightmares, 8 p.m., Fox A restaurant in Philadelphia is coasting on its reputation from 30 years ago. That okay, because the city is doing the exact same thing.
SEASON FINALE Sweet Home Alabama, 9 p.m., CMT In case The Bachelor's ending wasn't redneck enough for you, former NASCAR Sprint Cup ambassador Paige Duke tries to pick a lucky boy to say she'll stay with, then dump two weeks after filming ends.
Merlin, 10 p.m., SyFy Morgana prepares to bring the Southron army against the city of Gondor. Wait, no, Camelot. We mean Camelot.
In Plain Sight, 10 p.m., USA Mary has to deal with a hoarder who witnessed a murder. That evidence was just here a second ago … wait, we'll have to look for it.
— Joshua Gillin firstname.lastname@example.org